fab weekend

buggy bad

For months now, I've been trying to convince Joa that we need a new buggy for the bub. But he feels we can still make do with the 10-year-old one that my neighbour has given us. I don't deny that it is a good and practical one for us who's pushing it, but it has very poor rest support for the little one especially when he naps, and too small a canopy to shield him from the sun.

So I managed to negotiate with the agent of BLINK (see pic)to sell it to me at press price. It's been two weeks and I still haven't gotten round to Joa. I guess it's not just him but I'm procrastinating as well, and especially when I haven't gotten over the heartburn of having spent $800 on a new set of breastpump which was a little over the top, isn't it?

Anyway. There's the other problem. If we bought this, how do I get rid of the other two? yes, there's not one but two hand-me-downs strollers at home. And dad is fussing about how the house looks like a baby's warehouse with all the things lying around. But that's wat happens when a baby arrives! It's times like these that I can so understand why Joa badly wants us to get our own nest.

What should I do?

A very special day

Today is a special day which marks two very special occasions – my parent’s 29th wedding anniversary, and our first wedding anniversary. The family celebration was held last night and Dad took us out for a seafood dinner. Dad is your traditional, conservative person who feels there’s no need for mushy stuffs. And I think I kinda inherit some of that trait. And Joa being Joa, you can expect that there’s no Gucci bag for me hiding in his closet. So it was only this morning that we decided to make an impromptu dinner plan for tonight to celebrate our first year together as a married couple.

When I realised that November 9th was drawing near, I was taken aback at how fast a year had past. I can’t believe that it had been a whole year since our crazy-chop-chop wedding which I remember both fondly and dreadfully. Sure we’ve had our fights and mad-hair days. But in a year, we’ve made many new things - a new addition to the family, new careers, a new car, new dreams and a whole new life together. Often I’d think about how blissful my life at the present is, and how I’d miss it sorely someday when I find myself old, abandoned, and diseased.

Joa and I have really come a long, faraway, way. 10 years spanning Singapore to Melbourne and then to Beijing. God really meant what He said when back in 2002, He said to me that Joa and I would go on a “detour” – and we did, both in time, circumstances and proximity. I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to a person than Joa ever is to me. He’s one person who’s seen me both at my best and worst, and one whom I’m most comfortable with revealing my true nature, bad habits and all. We share some interests and other differences just complement one another.

I remember him through the year occasionally telling me that he’s now made the mark to being my longest-lasting husband. Not that I think that was funny. But silly him. I think he’s the only one whom I’d ever choose to marry and if there was a next life, and the next, I’d only want to be with him.

On Saturday, he’d suggested that we did a quiet dinner together to celebrate our anniversary but I went on to gather some friends because I thought it’d be more fun with more people. That made him a tad disappointed. The thing is, any time spent alone with him is quality enough. I didn’t think we needed to specially make plans to be alone together. But I think I was wrong. We need to give each other special privileges and twosome time.

To my baby of a hubby: Thanks for being such a wonderful, loving, supportive partner. I know I’ve been a crazy bitch what with the pregnancy, the lack of sleep, the new job, breastfeeding, and my noisy family but thanks for bearing, while at the same time, embracing all of that. Thanks for sacrificing everything for us and putting us above everything you do. Thanks for being my BFF, confidante, soulmate, partner, ‘handbag’, ATM, financial advisor, prayer buddy, sex god and movie friend. You’re my Supermodel and Little J’s Superdad! We love you! xoxo

happy days

The last two weeks have been productive. I've started my official journalist-writer kind of interviews - did five last week -, photoshoots, and story-writing and i feel good.

Many friends and family were really surprised when I told them I was going to interviews, or I just came back from one. Their first reaction was, "Why? You changing jobs again?"

No lah. So I thought about a better word to use but couldn't find any. So I explained that it was those kind of research interview and they went, "Why you must interview? I thought you were in corp comms/ corp mags?"

So it was that I happily volunteered for MCYS publication so I can help promote happy family lifestyle. Joa said that was perfect for me. But I think what's even better for me is the SDU mag! Because I do think that I'm Aunt Agony and Ms Love Vogue. Ha ha! Joke, joke!

Anyhow, on Sat, we went to Joa's colleague's place for steamboat. Getting together with the other army wives was just fantastic. Hearing them complain about their husband OT and stress at work was so marvellous. In fact we were just amused at how similar our grievances were! I'm lucky Joa works with people who married nice women as wives. In fact I wish we could meet up more often. But it'll be kinda over-zealous and odd to propose at our first meeting, wouldn't it?

The long weekend. Joa was off on Monday as well so we snuck out to catch Funny People at Lido. Crappy movie. Too crude, too boring, and too long. I was just waiting for the climax or some kind of a drama and then I felt so bored, and then pissed that it was taking so long. Everyone quickly shuffled out when the credits started to roll. Goes to show just how entertaining it was. I asked Joa how many 'popcorn' this garnered and he said four. Four out of 10 would be apt.

I was gonna reflect about some of the heartland stories I discovered in Hougang last week. Autism children and a couple who was battling with kidney failure. I really do think that I'm extremely fortunate to live in a lifetime where I can pursue a career that I feel passionate about and eat whatever I like and buy whatever I fancy. Whenever I pick up my little boy and see him smile, I remind myself that there are people just nearby who have problems that are too big for me. This guy, Thung Toh Khee, just donated his kidney to his wife. But more than that, I think he's an amazing, wonderful guy. Just hearing him speak was an enjoyable experience. People like him makes me feel that the world is such a great place to be in.

I'm just about to leave the office so I can go on an indian-hunt. Yeah, need to track down some young indian youths for yet another soundbite.

my twitter:

Errands this weekend:

1) cut hair
2) buy voice recorder
3) fix handphone

not enough time!!!

death-defying

I think I suffer from thanatophobia, in simple terms, it's the fear of death or anything related to it. ever since my uncle died and my baby was born, it dawned on me that a whole new generation has come and taken over.

Everyday, I'd imagine a car accident, and if my dad or Joa comes home late or I cannot find them, I'd think maybe they'd disappeared forever. I love looking at Little J when he's asleep but hate it when I start imagining him cold and still. I look at his chest very often. Just to make sure it's heaving up and down.

An ex-colleague once told me she used to imagine that her kids being kidnapped. Maybe my imagination that my child died is part of the maternal protective instinct. It's morbid, I know. It's something I haven't told anyone, not even Joa.

I was pondering about how we always look forward to the weekend, or to an event that's happening in one or two years time. But what we don't realise is that in between, all that time is wasted. And so, I resolved to treasure every second and every minute of the day. When I awoke this morning, feeling an overwhelming numbness from a lack of sleep, I reminded myself that lazing in bed just one more minute is just wasting another minute of my life. Life is short and it seems everything that I'm doing, exercising, eating, or simply mopping the floor, is just a big waste of time. Imagine having to work five days a week, spending your entire day at the office and missing the baby you'd left at home, only to die at the end of 50 years.

What's the point of it all? I was just thinking that next year, I'd be in my last twentieth year. I'll be thirty. And in a blink of an eye, I'd be forty, and fifty, and sixty, and then a senior citizen! You remember how as young teenagers we cdn't quite wait to grow up. And now that I have, I realised I'm growing old.

I wonder if the eventual "freedom" of death is simply pain in itself. Why can't I stay 28 forever? Why can't my parents and I live like that forever? Why can't my baby be small forever?

Second week

Seven days actually, after deducting the long weekend.

Not much luck with the colleagues yet. But at least I'm more comfortable in my skin, and getting to know one or two of them slowly.

I went home yesterday and saw Mum putting Little J to sleep. His lids were almost shut, and then he heard my voice and immediately turned towards me and gave me the most heart-melting smile. When I walked away to drop my things, he started to whimper. I knew he'd just foiled yet another exercise session. And so, we spent the rest of the evening together, until he fell asleep at nine.

It's the end of September. And it feels like the end of the year. Often it feels life just accelerates after you hit 26. All of a sudden, your parents and relatives are ageing, and you see little children taking their place in the world. One day I'm going to say this same thing, myself having passed more than half of my lifetime. At night when I lay in bed, I look at Joa and wonder how short a lifetime is. You know how when you're thinking you're gonna be sharing a bed with a person forever and at first, it feels like a long time. But I know someday, I'd find myself, alone in my bed. Memories of him snoring next to me fading away. A lifetime is just too short. I guess this is why we have to always cherish one another, becos departure is just ahead.

I think I've separation anxiety of some sort. I always have problems trying to detach from a person or item. It can be anyone. A relative, a crush, a friend, a pet, or a non-living non-breathing thing.

Weekend. Can't wait to spend some real quality time.

Optimistic

This is it. I’m sitting here at my new desk at the second floor of my new workplace. It’s a big office, with a lounge area that has a massage chair, an open pantry kitchen. We’re clustered among the other magazines. There isn’t one desk around me that’s neat. Every one has a mountain of magazines and documents. And this makes me smile, because for once, I know I’m in the right job.

It’s day four today. No one’s in the office yet so I’m just enjoying some solitude moments to myself. I thought I should post in my blog, and tell everyone that although I haven’t met a chum whom I can get on like 'a house on fire’, I know (quietly wish) that She is somewhere around. And now I can’t help but miss Mandy. The intern girl at Highteam who always make me laugh. I wonder how is she doing. Sometimes, I get this urge to ‘rescue’ her out of China. She’s not impoverished or anything. In fact, she’s a really bright and hardworking girl. But I always think, while looking at the PRCs in Singapore, that more than any of them, she should be here.

Leaving in the mornings hasn’t been so bad yet. I get to talk to Little J while getting ready for work. I keep telling him how much I love him and smother him with wet kisses all over. Then I start missing him around late morning onwards and look longingly at the photos of him that I’d put up on the wall.

For now, I’ve been helping out with stories for various publications. A story today, several snippets tomorrow. It’s a wonderful feeling to lose yourself among the scrawly texts. Time passes quite quickly and then it’s time to head home to my family. It’s a really fulfilling time.

Tomorrow the office will be shut till next Wednesday. I can’t wait to spend more time with Little J, breastfeed more, and catch up on my sleep.

updates

there's either something wrong with blogspot or joa's laptop becos for weeks, i haven't been able to post any pics.

whatever it is. i start work monday. just gone by to sign my appointment letter and now, i'm feeling an immense feeling of importance. part of the remuneration includes two free magazines. i chose 8-days and Style after realising there's not many to choose from. beats having nothing :)

it's also mandatory that we take two days' no-pay leave per month. just as well. lesser pay for me but more than with Little J.

tonight the gals and i are hanging out. been a long time since we had a girls' evening. we're celebrating my new career and i'm excited ;)

i also spent a fortune on work clothes. 2 pairs of work pants, 3 basic tops, a cardigan and a pair of pretty pumps. i'm still thinking of getting a nice mug and stationery. it's stupid i know. i sd just use whatever's given.

somehow i'm scared. scared of myself. becos everyone's been warning me about the culture, the politics, and the stress that i'm starting to wonder how long i'd really hold out. it'll be painful if i had to leave. i want this to be my big break.

back on the hunt again, now back on track.

I found a job. Or rather, God found me a job.

For a long time I've felt lousy about having to give up my dream of becoming a Journalist and leaving no choice but to pursue Corp Comms as an alternative. I started to aim for Corp Comms in MNCs but it was never enough.

This job comes as a major breakthrough. A miracle from God to take my first step towards my career in the newsroom and publishing house. I always knew He would bless me with something beyond my imagination. Something I could be proud of.

My career has taken for a turn. Once it was bleak but now full of hope. I've always lived with one of Dr Bernard's revelation: Sometimes life takes a wrong turn but God will always bring you back on track. Now I'm back. Just like everything else that happened in my life. Things took a wrong turn. But it eventually went back in line. I always knew only in the blackest of days can only God's light shine.

I'm on my way. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. It feels better than striking lottery.

Thank you, God.

in the swing of things

I'm trying to get him to nap so I can surf the net a little before getting ready to head out. Today's my self-proclaimed day out. I get the afternoon off and can finally head to the mall to get Joa a nice picture frame for his new office desk.

These days I'm starting to enjoy staying home with the little one. Initially I had dreaded it, not sure if I'd ever be able to single-handedly pacify him. But I did. But it's not always smooth-sailing. Especially in the mornings when he wakes up at 7am and my body is still numb from a desperate need to sleep. Motherhood is not easy. Though I must say I am relishing every minute of it now so at least when he's all grown up and defiant, and adore other women above me, I can at least know that I once had him all to myself.

Tonight we're having dinner at a new restaurant opened by Joa's best man. It's just down the road from where we live and serving Italian. There are no Italian chefs, in fact, it's all gonna be cooked by him and a relative he hired. I must say we are a bit apprehensive. But we still want to show our patronage.

I've finally got a call for another interview tomorrow. There hasn't been any updates from the last few that I went to. I guess the competition is keen and I can't really have high expectations. Still I believe there'd be something. Just need to wait. And while I'm waiting, I can at least 'smell the roses' of a stay-home mum and enjoy every minute of having him close by.

homelady

Joa's finally had to report to work so now i'm back to being alone. although having the baby around makes up for some entertainment but that also means i can't catch up on sleep in the mornings and lesser time for me to do whatever i like.

now that he's Captain, he's so busy. morning runs every mon, wed and fri. leaves before the dawn and returns only after way past dusk. there's now no time for lazy meals together, weekday afternoon movies and shopping trips. with him gone, the day now feels longer and the evenings shorter. worse, he's even have to go for some company run on sunday without a leave-in-lieu for compensation. what kind of welfare is that?!

visited the GP today becos of a blocked milk duct and aside from some massaging techniques and advice, there was nothing she cd prescribe me to remove the blockage. she suggested that i join some breastfeeding support group to gather more information about how to deal with the lump and decreasing milk supply.

no bubble tea today so i had ice-cream to make up for it. not too happy.

mascara too much

okay, i admit. i've been overdoing the mascara bit. how i got the wake-up call: last night, a swollen wee flap of skin on my left eyelid plagued me all night. and what's worse is that it had to be this weekend. i'm upset becos this is the weekend i've been looking forward to - Grace's wedding tonight (i get to finally don on my new poppy dress), and Little J's baby dedication service tomorrow!

i think it happened becos last sat, in the hype of my excitement about the new turqoise-coloured mascara, i'd put it on to swim. and while i was shampooing my hair, the mascara faded across my eye area. to finish the story, the stain remained till several days later.

so i've been washing the affected eye with optrex every two hours and applying aloe vera on the bump. hopefully it gets better soon. otherwise, i can't imagine what i'll look like with a swollen eye doned over with a dress of blooming red and pink flowers. just blooming frenzy!

that aside, i can't wait to see Grace! i can't imagine she's got married. my memory of her seem to have halted since the night she left for the UK in that horrid checked shirt, jeans and sneakers. all of us teared after she crossed the gates. it was the first time we'd ever had to see a friend off.

13 years later this evening, i'll be attending her wedding. she in her most gorgeous ever! you see, this is the nostalgic past that joa's never known of me, which explains why i simply had to buy that new dress for the occasion! gosh, men.

Everyday Men Style

Have I ever bragged about being married to one of the best dressed dude I've ever known? I'm sure you must have heard about me going on about how vain Joa is. About his hair, his weight, his complexion. Like his hair: omg, after each haircut, he'll spend the rest of the day looking in the mirror and asking me if it looks ok. And his complexion: whenever he spots a zit, he'd never be too embarrassed to walk around with a thick wad of pimple gel on it. His weight: I shan't have to repeat how often in a day does he look into the mirror to make sure the love handles are in check.

anyway. what i'm trying to say is, he's set up a blog about addressing the everyday men's style. covering hair, complexion, dressing, and shoes issue. becos he is disgusted about my stand on designer goods hold better quality thus their price, he's out to prove that economical clothes labels can still make a charmer out of every person. so here it is, my darling's very first business venture. i hope you'd all help spread the word around and get all the guys to tune in. tell them it has really good fashion tips that could revolutionise their romantic life without costing an expensive makeover.

Joa's http://EverydayMenStyle.blogspot.com!

happy 28th birthday

from now on, i have a new someone to celebrate my birthday with. just in the morning, i'd reminised about how i'd spent my 27th. a cosy dinner with a few closest friends at an american restaurant in jianwai soho.

we didn't do much on the day itself. just went shopping in the day, and in the evening, Dad brought us out for crabs. loved the salted egg one.

presents this year: a new mobile phone from joa, earrings, a new mascara (this time it's turqoise colour), and a eyeliner crayon from my bestest girlfriends; and from myself, my very first kate spade (a leather 'bucket' bag)!

not missing out of course, one of my favourite gift from God - my little monster boy :)

back on the hunt again

i am starting to look for work again. people have been asking me if and when was i going back to work. i must say that is the toughest question.

Little J has just passed the three-month milestone. and now that he's beginning to settle down into a routine, i know it's also about time i face reality and hit the rat race again.

so i started poring over the job search websites again and i must say how much i abhore those online application forms! can't they just stick to email where attaching an email makes life so much easier. anyway, this time, i feel myself not much in a rush. sure i need the money. sure my savings is depleting one after another. but when i see that little smile, that cute squeal, and those beautiful eyes, i just wish everyone else could just leave me alone. (so you see, it's not just cable TV that's been keeping me home!)

but i know this is not being very smart and it's just the hormones acting up. surely i will applaud myself for making the decision to return to work once i get my hands on that gucci bag.

i have an interview tmr. it's a recommendation from my cousin. frankly, i'm not keen. but i think it'll be good exercise and preparation for me to return to the workforce. it might also be a potential employer.

have i ever lamented just how treacherous job hunting is? it sucks. it feels like subjecting oneself under the mercy of employers who scrutinise, judge you, and put a pricetag on you.

on to happier things. my birthday is coming. it's at least something to look forward to with nice dinners with family and friends. my wishlist? a new mobile (already got), a pair of earrings (that tourmaline one!), the pair of CNY clogs, and dinner at Ben & Jerry's. *hint hint*

Julian @ 10 weeks

taken two weeks back when the little darling was 10 weeks old. he's grown so fast. too fast. unlike the scrawny little alien looking bundle we brought home from the hospital. now, he is spotting a double-chin (no neck), has hair growing all in the right places, became fairer, makes baby noises, and smiles and squeals like every adorable baby.

everyone at home love him to bits. even my snob of a brother. it's amazing how much joy a baby brings to people. whenever we bring Little J out, everyone starts peering into the stroller. it's like a natural thing to do. so imagine when joa's carrying the baby and everyone looks into the stroller i'm pushing only to find my shopping bags. no adorable baby but one shopaholic mother.

gtg cut this short. baby's up and hungry!

on writing

i miss writing. miss overlooking a grand scenary for inspiration and then pouring my heart out on the notebook. yesterday, i felt a sudden angst to write a story. a story that i've always known yet have hesitated because i was taught at school that we should never write about ourselves, but only about things that we know best.

need to get my own notebook fixed and running and start to pen fantasies onto 'paper'. anyone know where i can get cheap laptop repairs?

new look!

... and new phone :)))

money matters

i hate to think about money. i only like the things it can buy.

joa's recently turned into this self-taught financial guru. reading up about financial IQ from books and websites, whatever he can get his hands on. and then he'd turn the advice on me, lecturing me about my spendthrift ways.

i do not deny that i am a spendthrift. i buy everything i fancy and often maxing out what cash i have. and i know it's a bad habit. i don't need three different blue mascaras, five different tones of blushers, two of the same t-shirt in different colours, and the list goes on for clothes, shoes, bags and everything else.

what can i say? i love to shop. i love to pore over the shelfs for new things. i love the novelty of wearing something new, using something new and exploring something new. yet i know all these are an utter waste of money. that at the end of the day, they all land up in the thrash can.

he's been reminding me of the money we need to save for our new place. for renovation, for the swanky furnitures that i want, and for the exotic looking wallpaper i want for our feature wall. where's all the money gonna come from? from years of penny-pinching of course. that means, being practical in my wishlist, omitting items that i can do without and quit my habit of buying anything i set my eyes on.

i plead with guilt.

we've been debating about my plan to get a new phone for months. the current one is glitchy - we both agree - and unfashionable - i agree. i had initially set my eyes on the E61i. the boorish predecessor of the E71. how i came to this is quite a irrational. i'd seen someone with it (the red one) and she looked darned cool with it. and so there was this stall that had it (the same red one) with a price that was agreeable - $300 less than the E71.

i tried to set joa up for it as a birthday gift. first of all, he thought it was an ugly phone and second of all, he thought it had too many functions that i didn't use. but most of all, he knew i didn't need a new phone. and i didn't.

at the end, after many hours prowling all the mobile stalls in the neighbourhood, he offered to buy me the LG Ice cream which he felt was more suited to me. so here it is, my final indulgence. i hope with this, i will learn to be wiser in the way i spend my money and finally attain my ideal person - the super woman who's not only flashy in her outlook, but also with an impressive bank balance.

luxury

my perk-me-up. and Joa in the driver's seat. newbie driving with both hands. haha!

pre-bedtime mumblings

Joa got his driver's licence last Thursday and I'm both proud and relieved. Now that things are so much more convenient since I get to nurse Cookie in the car. He was also on half-day work today so we swung by TPY to get a NUK bottle (and of course, bubble tea!).

I've decided to trust the experts' recommendation and combine bottle and breast feeding - without myself present during bottle time. Also, I should take the opportunity and go on an afternoon shopping trip while leaving Cookie with Mum and the Bottle. Perhaps then I'll begin to see The Bottle in a more positive light.

Just for the record

We're getting a hang of Cookie now. Wake up call at 6am (darn it!), afternoon naps at 12pm, bedtime at 9pm (too early!), midnight feed at 2am (urgh!), and needing to soothe or feed at 4am (and if we're unlucky, every hour after!). He hates to be anywhere else but home; loves the wind in the garden; hates having his neck scrubbed; loves the sound of water running. His best source of comfort: his dad, of course. His favourite toys being the Winnie-The-Pooh mobile over his cotbed, the cow beanie, and Cookie Monster. His worst time of the day: tummy time.

Joa - great job as dad. Already bored of his new appointment as Infantry Officer and infatuated with Papaya Milk.

Me? I've regained about 70% of stamina for running - 4km at the track and 5km on the treadmill all under 40mins. My weight has reached a plateau for over almost two months now and I still have 7kg to shed. Still unable to fit into my bottoms but the gap is closing in. Breasts still huge as ever - hate it - and still having trouble with damned pump.

Appetite: irresistable to Koi Cafe and have odd cravings for Double Cheeseburger. In fact the cravings are so bad I think of having them both everyday.

Sleep: extremely tired. Most mornings I am awoken by Cookie whimpering about wanting to go for a walk in the garden. So I ignore him and bear with his incessant cries until I awake an hour or two later to find him fast asleep next to me.

Activity: Apart from quick running sessions and the brief drive-outs for bubble tea and other necessities, I'm mostly at home, watching the online videos and breastfeeding.

What I'm excited about: Dad's installing cable tv (finally!), weekly maccas treat, bubble tea, and the coming issue of Cleo. Weird since I've never credited any of those articles. But I'm really reading it for the fashion, beauty and medical infotainment.

What I miss especially: hanging out long hours with friends talking about everything and nothing.

taking special pride

Call me one of those neurotic mums obsessed with and believing that everyone out there has dubious intentions towards her own child because I've just turned into one of those.

I've been muddled with nightmares of weaning Cookie on the bottle and today, I've finally taken that bold step. It was a Medela teat that I'd just bought this afternoon, so I could afix it to the bottle and direct its entire, what-little contents. It wasn't one of those orthodontic, nature-mimicked ones. Just plan, ordinary, small-size teat. For a moment, Cookie seemed confused. Then he started suckling, too hard, at the alien thing. When he choked on the milk, I had to restrain from yanking it out of his mouth.

Mum was happily feeding him and telling me for the umpteenth time the benefits of having the milk pumped out. One of which - her favourite - was that we'd at least know if he was drinking enough. Obviously, Cookie had been overfed because it's been more than three hours since the last feed, an extension from his usual 2-hour routine.

I later spent the next two hours, trying to compensate that amount. Diligently pumping with the mechanical piece of plastic and fighting off resenting thoughts. I prayed and sought the balance. Despite swollen aerolas and bleeding nipples, I'm still 10ml short.

A simple, natural ritual such as bottle weaning my baby could turn me into such emotional wreck. I'm shocked at the transformation. When I look at him, I'd whisper about how his grandmother is gonna come between us. The crazy work of the hormones, not me.

I felt as if someone was tearing us apart. I felt I could not trust my own mother to take care of my child. But that's completely untrue. I've just gone a tad mad.

They say babies grow too fast. And in this instance, they start exploring life and the world forgetting you.

Hence the banner and the profile pic. I might as well indulge in this while I still can. When my baby is still a baby. Therefore, pardon me if i'm putting up too many pics of Cookie in fb and blogspot. I understand how irritating it feels because I was once irritated by new mothers who did that. But now that I am one, I finally understand why he's my pride and joy. And someday, when you are one too, you'll know.

conspiring act

some sort of social play

last night, we finally had our first 'social' dinner with friends. although it was just at J8, and we had to sit outside the restaurant where there was less air-con becos of the stroller; but still it was nice.

it's great to see my friends happily in love. i am reminded of those days where we'd meet at orchard, talking about this crush and that - comforting one another and wondering who's plight was worse. now, both of them are happily in love and our partners get along! now i wish they'd hurry and have kids so we can do playdates together.

updates

my ears are much better today although they still leave stains on my pillows in the nights much to joa's disgust.

yesterday i made my conclusive trip to my gynae for the final checkup and pap smear. my doc calls me "the brave girl" and advised me not to "listen to the turkeys" about my self-doubts about breast-feeding. i love going to his clinic and hearing him banter about no-nonsense medical theories. there's always something new to learn.

we're coming on to the 7th week and Cookie can now coo instead of just plain wailing. he's also beginning to smile more and exhibit moods (best in the morning and dwindles to worst in the evenings). i'm also starting to get a hang of his nap times (usually at the most inconvenient hours), and his feeds.

as for me, i've finally reconciled the fact that motherhood means i'll have to sacrifice time to myself, shopping and social life. but funny how it's all starting to fall so easily. yesterday we were at the mall and while joa was occupied at the tcm clinic for his massage, it meant i had time alone to shop. but as i walked through my favourite labels and peered through the window at the massive sales, i somehow felt a greater urge to head to Kiddy Palace to check out breastpumping accessories instead.

and oh, we (finally) bought a baby sling. it's of a nice rich purple colour and i'm still getting a hang of it. i tried putting Cookie in it but he's still struggling. retaining still a bit of my sense for fashion, i find this a much trendier way rather than joa's which comprises of a car seat mounted atop an old hand-me-down stroller.

i'm becoming emotional about weaning the Cookie to a bottle. even tho it'll still be breastmilk, but for some reason i feel edgy at the thought that he might reject me after the bottle is introduced. joa said i'm nuts and that i'm missing the point of parenthood which is hope for our children to grow up independant and strong. it was a horrible reminder becos he's so adorably tiny now but alas, he's growing too fast!

i feel uneasy just having Cookie sit in his chair all day. at first, i'd thought having colourful toys and music overhead would help stimulate his senses. and now that it's all been done, he looks really bored and i fear he'd turn stupid just sitting there for hours on stretch.

should i read him some stories since i'm not a really 'fun' kind of mommy. joa's really good with him, i must say. there are times when Cookie is left alone with me that i can sense that he wants his dad more than me since i'm no fun at all. so that brings me back to the whole bottle-feeding issue. if Cookie decides he likes the bottle, then what's good left of me?

a muffled world

i've gone into a temporary state of muffled deafness due to a bout of ear infection. it started more than a week ago but my clumsiness in taking proper care of it has made it worse. therefore, i'm not stuck in one of the worst discomfort ever - being (almost) deaf!

for a few days, i started feeling sad that i now hear a very distant form of my infant's cries. i have to be prompted more than once by joa whenever he wants to tell me something. i can't hear the TV so i have to rely on subtitles to help me understand what's going on. i realise i'm also speaking a tad louder just so i can hear myself.

i'm worried. worried that this might be a chronic affliction. i've still got an antiseptic drop from the GP and i hope this is not too late.

today, we attempted our first trip to Orchard with Little J and it was awful. Little J was restless the whole time wanting to be carried and i only had Z for help (she was great btw) till Joa went off for his driving lessons for 3 hours. in the end, we had to call of dinner with her new beau and head home in a cab only to land 2 very exhausting us and a very grouchy baby who has fallen into a deep slumber since over 4hours.

everywhere's on sale yet i cannot buy anything becos i'm too ashamed of my post-natal figure. breastfeeding was a pain as nurseries are never too private, convenient, and clean. but being around other mothers made me feel better about the throes of it. although i must say i did feel a little inadequate while they had their chubby babies while mine was scrawny as compared to theirs (tho theirs' much older).

i hope i can just wake up tomorrow morning and have my hearing restored. meanwhile i'm still thinking about that pair of clogs. i dun need it though i really love it.

Baby Party!

We are having a baby party to celebrate Julian turn one-month old :))

Third Week

Into my third week now. The Cookie has his moments and sometimes I get flustered trying to hush him out of one of his fits. BF is progressing well and I'm making plans on how I can manage BF while on the outs without having to expose one breast to the public eye and juggle shopping and BF at the same time. I'm tempted to try the breast pump. But to do that, I may have to feed him on formula for one day while I pump for the second and introduce him the rubber teat which I imagine, will cause him to forget how to latch.

On that. I find myself going bonkers just thinking about him not on breastmilk but on formula. I am somehow convinced that he'd be missing out on a whole lot of good nutrients and having him on formula will make him a lesser person. I know that's not true and I'm still trying to convince myself out of it. Because how else am I going to head back to work and my exercise regime?

I also imagine that people are trying to sneak in other forms of liquids to him that to an extent, I dream of it happening! Last night, I dreamt I had bought three bowls of yam paste dessert and later found out that my dad had fed one of them to him. At 3.30am, I woke up and realised it's been almost five hours since the last feed and started to worry how much milk supply has depleted and if my dad really did feed him yam paste!

The madness of motherhood.

Yesterday, Joa and I went shopping after a checkup with the gynae. I started getting paranoid over germs in the air and kept checking to see if Cookie was still breathing. Strangers who enquired about him guessed he was about more than a month old. Then when I said he was barely two weeks, you could see this silence that befell on their faces. Like taking him outdoors now was an abomination. And that added to my fears.

We're planning the full-month party, or rather, parties now (we're having three sessions). Getting ready the cakes, caterers and sending out the invites. Friends will come a week later so don't panic if you haven't got it yet.

The Cookie is up. I need to go now.

... wide open

eyes and...
jaws!

Week One

It's been a big week - and a very different one too. Caring for Lil' J was hard work. Trying to decipher his cries was quite another. Struggling to strike a balance and requesting for understanding from well-meaning relatives about my confinement practice was a huge hurdle. Then there was the baby blues which ranged from the common urge to cry irregardless and the extreme end of the pendulum where my mind was flooded with pictures of the baby dead and cold.

Nine days since the night I went into labour and Joa and I had not had an uninterrupted night of sleep. Getting up in the middle of the night to nurse for hours is painful. But I do consider myself lucky to have Joa by my side. He hasn't complained and would always take the initiative to change the wet nappies, or cradle the baby just so I could sneak in cat naps.

Many people has asked me about my labour experience. It hurt like hell but mine was short (3+ hours) and I bore the pain without the epidural. My advice to everyone: get a good gynae, and don't think about the epidural. I did love the gas though. It made me so high that in between contractions, I'd drift into dreamland, forgetting that I was in labour.

Then Lil' J was born. In the midst of my drowsiness, I heard his faint squalling. When they put him on my chest, it didn't immediately register in me that this was my child. 24 hours later, I found myself sleepless in the night so I snuck out to the nursery to take a peek at him. How adorable he was. I felt like a happy mummy.

A lot of people came by to visit with nice hampers and congratulations. My stay at the hospital was enjoyable although not very comfortable. Too noisy and the bed felt too warm.

Then I came home and Mum began fussing about traditional confinement practices, mostly restricting my diet. But thank God i still got to shower - thrice a day; and shampoo - everyday. Relatives came by and warned me about drinking water and not indulging in herbs and tonics (Doctor's orders which they told me not to eat into it). It's funny how they disregard professional advice but take to old wives' tales from old China.

Lil' J is a contented baby for now. I try to nurse him as much as he likes and he's pooping and peeing to his heart's content.

I'm feeling a lot better now although I'm still bored as hell. There doesn't seem to be a routine or anything to look forward to in the day. The baby is one. But it's depressing knowing your movements and eating desires are restricted. Overall, I'm okay, for now.

happy mummy!

39 weeks

I'm due any time now. Dr C said we'll induce if Lil' J is not out by 5th May. Joa and I had a mini-celebration this morning announcing that Lil' J is now officially a Taurus - admired for their determination, drive, loyalty and kindness.

We did our final shopping this morning: some fitted sheets, a blanket and some towels. Joa is now busy assembling an Ikea drawer chest that Mum bought for the baby. For the past few days, I feel tired easily, restless, and sweaty all the time. I also get sudden numbs around my inner thighs. My weight has come to a standstilll and I haven't put on an ounce since the last check-up a month ago. At the moment, we're pondering over how to go about donating the cord blood and contemplating a medical policy.

It's nice to have Joa at home and sitting out the final twosome days. Although I know I will miss the privacy we now share but I'm sure the new addition would only bring us both closer together as a couple and family.

39 weeks. How time flies. 10 glorious, eventful months! Strangely, I can't remember how it felt un-pregnant. It feels like bading farewell to my old self and welcoming the adult me.

Nursery Corner

Progress! We've finally set up a little nursery corner in my room and madeshift a wardrobe space in my bookshelf. The cot bet arrived yesterday. A bundle package from the departmental store which came with a mattress, quilt set and bath basin. We also bought lots of stuffs from Kiddy Palace: vests, nappies, creams, lotions, and other necessities.

In the evening, Joa and I sat on the floor looking up at the white cot, finding it somehow disturbing that it's all going to happen so soon. It's a whole rojak of feelings - fear, excitement, apprehension, disbelief. It was like living out the Chan Brothers' travel ad: "Life could never be the same again" - a rollercoaster ride.

Frankly, we're both mentally and emotionally ill-prepared for this. Unsure if we'd even make the mark. But when I look at my friends' pictures on FB - those who'd recently had their own babies - I get this tinge of envy and assurance knowing that soon enough, my FB album will also be filled with these pictures of joy.

tattoos

Joa has a tattoo on his arm. It’s not a conspicuous one. Just a small, simple design of the Southern Cross, or sun, or star, I cannot quite make it out. He had it done last year to commemorate his years living in the Down under. He’s quite pleased with it. So pleased that he now talks about having a tattoo of our baby’s name on his chest. So we argue over it.

I’m not one for tattoos. I think the symbol and sentiments of one is merely known to one self. Other it being a show-off that you’re trendy, fearless, and have a higher threshold for pain, it can also be a topic for an ice-breaker when you meet a stranger. Plus, I always thought tattoos on men and women tend to attract the wrong kind of company since it makes you out to be someone you’re not.

I personally think tattoos are ugly. When I was younger I had a classmate who had one done just above her hips. She was extremely slim and very attractive. Went around with her helmet, smoked, and wore thick makeup. We were chatting about her many tattoos and he told me she was masochistic. So at that point, it got me thinking that maybe I cd be like her. Have a tattoo, keep my hair long, and wear thick eye liners. Later, I gave up that idea for practical reasons – 1) Tattoos would stretch along with any weight gain and 2) Tattooing was itself, a horribly bloody, painful process.

I have lady cousins who have tattoos done and one of them regrets it. Out of the several people I know who’s had tattoos, none of them are really proud of it. So that’s another damper.

Joa’s tattoo is not ugly or offensive. I’m so accustomed to it that I don’t see it anymore. But to have another one (on his chest!) would be a real put off. I keep telling him that I love his body. And I really do! I don’t think I’d seen any other men with such a gorgeous body. But to have anor tattoo emblazoned across his chest at my eye level is gonna be quite a drastic change.

We were arguing about Megan Joy, the 23-year-old blond from American idol, who had a huge colourful body art across one shoulder. She’s a beautiful girl but when I first saw her, I must have expressed my disgust a bit too loudly. So for weeks, we’d debate about why I think she should be ousted. And Joa is quite fond of her. Then again, he’s taking my disgust too personally.

I mean, she appears to be this pretty chick with blond bangs and then that huge tattoo just ruins any sundress of hers. Kinda dumb, innit’?

But Joa still thinks I’m prejudiced. I’m not (although I did a little mental jig when I saw the news about her being eliminated last night). But she definitely didn’t lose becos of her tattoo. She just lost because she didn’t quite have the idol quality. (And it cd have been becos of the tattoo.)

And to prove to Joa that I’m really not against him having anor tattoo, he can have another for all he wants. So long as it’s my name that he’s tattooing. That’ll teach all the other gals to stay away from him :)

Anyway, we made a pact. So long as I don’t go get a motorbike license, he’ll stay away from the tattoo parlour.

I’d just reminded Joa that if we’re in luck, we might have just five more weeks. Otherwise, it’d be sooner. The thought of being in a cold, sterile room with people poking sharp things between my legs while I endure hours of excruciating pain is freaking me out. I think about how I’ll be away from the comforts of my home, bed and family. But on the brighter note, at least I’ll be well underway to repossessing my body.

My legs are swollen beyond shape. I feel a tad self-conscious whenever I am out so these days I try to doll up a little bit more. Btw, I’ve a new hairdo. Back to basic straight. I hated it at first, even lost a night’s sleep over it. Joa tot that was funny. Said it was a weird thing to lose sleep about. Then I started getting used to it. I still dun love it. I just wish it’d grow faster.

We had wonderful shopping over the weekend. And I got some earrings, mascara and makeup. We got lucky because last week, Mum went shopping and rang me at work to tell me she was buying Little J a cot bed. So that was a substantial financial offload. How nice it is to earn your own keep. Although Joa was livid when I bought my third mascara, he couldn’t quite say anything besides the usual I-must-never-give-you-charge-of-my-money laments.

Then I saw many lovely clothes out there which jolted me to excitement about being out of pregnancy. They say the final month is the longest of all and I can so understand it now. My legs and back hurt. And I miss my weekly runs where I can feel the wind in my face and hair. I miss wearing heels and short tight skirts and can’t wait to learn rollerblading again. There’s just a thousand and one things I want to do but I’d first have to go through the throes of labour. Joa reminded me that I have only the serpent to blame for painful childbirth. That was supposed to be funny and making a whole lot of sense.

We watched Gran Torino. It was great. One of the more moving films I’ve caught in a long time. In fact I’d teared a little. My brother who hadn’t watched it had warned me that it was quite a violent show. It wasn’t. In fact it was just about an aged, lonely ex-soldier who needed a friend.

Someone hold my hand.

New days

Huge week. The Dialogue with MM Lee was quite an experience although the waiting bit was agonizing (he arrived 45 mins late). Other than that, he shared his insight on the economy, relations between countries, and his crystal-ball take of Singapore in the near future.

Joa and I had the perfect weekend. Had slow brunch at his favourite prata place (we both ate a stack of prata!), bought bubble at my favourite stall, did a bit of mundane shopping, watched DVDs, went to church, had Sunday lunch with my family, had seafood dinner with his family, gathered up with friends for a cosy and interactive meal, and had a couple of love-making sessions (which is getting to be trickier with my swelling belly). It’s the simple things that make up wonderful days. If only every weekend was this carefree and relaxing. Marriage could never turn bad.

My folks were lamenting about my (miserable) career again. They feel I’ve never stayed in a job long enough to get a performance bonus, increment or job promotion. They were right. I haven’t since I first started in 2005. It was discouraging and quite frustrating to me. I mean, who didn’t want to be cream of the crop? So I was thinking about it while on the bus to work. I guess circumstances just happened. And even if I had to go through that period again, I doubt anything would change. The flipside of it all were all the wonderful people I’ve met and who’ve helped me through my journey in their special small ways.

I’ve been thinking about crossing disciplines for some time. It first began with casual thoughts and then over the last two months, I found myself thinking about it for a fair bit. I still want to be a journalist/ writer/ Press writer, etc. I was even telling Joa I want to start a Singapore’s version of Cosmopolitan magazine, educating women about sex, relationship, marriage, and relationships. I even aspire to be an Oprah Winfrey of Singapore – not her philanthropic ways, but have a talkshow like hers. There’re so many things I want to be. And then I thought about how since the divorce, I’d always wanted to help women overcome difficult times in life. And seriously, even as I’m writing this, I still dunno what I really want.

But staying comfortable in an office cubicle and sneaking a blog entry or two in between writing letters and F&B promotions is not going to help me get anywhere closer to my aspirations. Age is catching up. And I’m also too lazy to make any big changes. So I don’t know. But I am excited about getting back into the job hunt again. At least once again, I get to decide and choose again.

Pregnancy update: I’m into my 35th week, which means I’ve got about 5 weeks (plus n minus) left. We’re now short of a baby cot, diapers, toys, and other miscellaneous stuffs that mums carry around – i.e. nipple cream, wet tissues, etc. I’m also having a hearty appetite, but overeating makes me sick. My back hurts more and I can’t sit or stand in the same position for long. Lying on the bed is best. It takes the pressure off everywhere.

Work updates: my workplace violates every new policy that MOM is trying to promote. It is rigid, and staff performance is based on long working hours and any form of net-surfing or newspaper reading is a sign of skiving. Except the HODs, no one puts on a happy face. Everyone is just plain serious and buried head down into files because apparently, there are ‘spies’ around.
It’s a lovely day outside. Just cloudy and cool. I wish I was back on my bed so I can relieve my aching back and take a nap with Joa. It’s funny how every morning feels like a new miracle.

late nite

omg. i am so exhausted. today we started work at 8.30am and ended only at 12mn. thankfully there was cab allowance so i got to travel in decent comfort home without having to fork out a cent.

i realised i'm starting to get used to my colleagues. even tho i can't quite converse with more than half of them, but at least, i dun feel foreign. but today was an awakening call. we had MM Lee come to the Club for the Official Opening Ceremony and i got to meet his Press Sec. really nice, sweet lady who gives u that grandmotherly 'feel'. altho she was dressed, not in a powersuit, but in a floral silk blouse and cream pants, u cd see how she was commanding all the respect and her prowess esp when u see the Audi she drives. how impressive. i was totally taken aback.

that's the job i want. that's the kind of super career woman i want to be. not in fancy clothes and the latest hairstyle, but just a kind of simple, and inviting person that everyone naturally takes to.

i want to tell all about tonight but joa's snoring is really getting into me and i think my brain is starting to go into snooze mode. it's the weekend tmr. how wonderful (:

(sneaking) back...

I’ve been falling short of updates lately all thanks to a new contract job and bad luck for having been caught blogging at work. It didn’t cost me the job (though I sometimes wished it did), but I did get a warning from the HR.

Anyway. I’m down 35 days and have 22 more (excruciating) ones to go. You can tell how much I’m absolutely loving this. I’m not gonna complain about my job because I think most of my friends and J has heard me going on at it. And I figured, it’s pointless. Getting this job in the first place was a miracle. Finishing it would be a huge accomplishment.

Last night, we went to watch a musical by the theatre students of Lasalle. It was pretty impressive and a good show. Although it was disheartening to realise that most of the cast were foreigners. I guess performing arts could never naturally be a Singaporean thing. We can’t sing, can’t dance, but can speak with a lousy accent. I also realised I’m never one for musical. I dun fancy stage acting and find it mere pretense. I hate the singing but did love the music. I’m better off at a music concert.

We’ve been going around shopping for a baby cot for the baby. Everything is terribly expensive but we’re lucky my cousins have been passing on some of their baby stuffs. So far, we’ve saved on 2 strollers, a breast pump, breast pads, a playpen, a child seat, a sarong sling, a baby carrier. Plus we spent some of those free taka vouchers we got on our wedding on some milk bottles and sterilizer.
Now, we’re still debating which babycot to get and if we even need a diaper bag. I saw some nice ones from Mothercare, but they’re awfully pricey. I’m also still short of a soft toy for the baby to hug to sleep with. It’s hard to find any toy that is not made those soft furs. I just want one that is made of a towel material.

We’ve got a huge event coming up this Friday and if I’m lucky, I might just get a glimpse of MM Lee in the flesh.

6.5 hours more to go before I can head home and hit the shack.

moody bitch of a weather too

just when i'm starting to feel a slight chirpier, and as the clock begins to tick towards 6pm (13 more mins to be exact), there is a loud rumble of thunder.

at least i can say i've accomplished quite a fair bit of work today. i'm braving through the rain, irregardless if it should rain cats and dogs. that's it. i deserve a good wholesome dinner tonight. and that durian too.

there goes another rumble. shoot.

moody bitch

i've been feeling irritable of late. irritated of having to commute on the public transport to work and irritated upon realising that my quality of life has dipped way below.

and with this, i find fault with the people around me - my mum for not being understanding, my brother for being a selfish pig, my dad for appearing undisturbed, the government for Singapore being the country with the worst work practices, and finally God, for making Singapore this sunny, scorching-to-death, shitty place that has nothing of a scenary or culture or anything that can make life just a tad more tolerable.

the victim of all my complains is joa who blames himself for not being able to provide me with a car to drive to work, and not being to get a job that pays well enough for me to be a stay-home mum-to-be. he tells me he feels bad even when i have to walk from the mrt station home. and no matter how i assure and reassure him, he'd still take it that he's to blame.

the thing is, i should not even be complaining.

first of all, all these walking can only help me put off the double extra antenatal pounds i could have gained and, according to one book source, it should elevate my varicose vein condition. second of all, all the long travelling to and fro work can only toughen me up and prove to myself that i can be as independant and discipline as i want myself to be. and finally, i need to remind myself that my parents do not have to give me anything more than they already have. there are so many countless blessings that i have today that i should and ought to attribute to them. and most of all, the truth is, although i wake up grouchy at the unearthly hour, yet inside of me, i feel my heart flutter when i turn around and see joa snoozing right beside me. through my waking hours, i look forward to calling off a day at work and finally heading home to see him and spend the rest of the evening just watching telly with him.

although i didn't remember feeling this disgruntled in beijing, but everything else wrong about being born and living in the country cannot be helped. i need to learn to count my blessings - a best friend for a husband, a baby on the way, scores of close-knitted friends i can always count on for a good chill-out session (without having them tell me to make ridiculous 'prior bookings'!) and a job that pays me well enough to buy pretty things simply for the fun of it even during this time of crisis.

last week, i had the liberty of driving the car to work and i realised how indispensable a car is to living an acceptable standard of life. i've always chided friends, joa and my parents for thinking that a car at my current stage of life is even necessary when it is known to be a liability. but today, i found myself saying aloud to a fellow colleague that i was driving out of church yesterday at noon time and i saw the bus stop packed with well-dressed fellow church-goers fanning themselves furiously when it occured to me how a car can bring you a kind of happiness that only money can buy. and so, i am now seriously considering joa's all-time suggestion to get our own car by the end of the year.

nonetheless, i'm back at the point of my life where i feel oblivious to anything. on saturday, C and i had gone shopping and i was just asking her what it's like to date in Singapore. and i meant it as in, where do couples go on dates and what can you possibly do in Singapore that is even remotely romantic? not to appear like i'm totally mistaken here, there are numerous places joa and i are planning to visit - namely, the zoo, the night safari (which i haven't been), the mandai reserves, sentosa beach and other kitschy nightspots. then there are places where we want to go and dine at: tony romas, modestos, california pizza kitchen, and kway chap at toa payoh. but every weekend, we get intimidated by the heat outside and decide to best head home and lay in bed.

on to more optimistic things, i'm thinking of rounding up the gals for anor dinner & gossip session. and maybe i shd make a trip to cold storage at 9pm for that cheap durian offer. i think some sugar high could do me good.

i need to remind myself that i am happy. that despite not having a few luxury items that only money can buy, at least i do own some happiness that no amount of money can buy.

joy joy joy

Little J's first ultrasound scan when i was 9 weeks pregnant

have i ever mentioned how much i enjoy being pregnant? nevermind that the discomfort and the dismal at not being able to fit into all the nice clothes going on huge discounts, but i actually enjoy looking at my expanding belly and especially at night, just lying flat and watching the surface jiggle with every baby movement.

then the other night, it got me thinking how much i'm gonna miss this. i mean, being pregnant the second or third time is not going to be the same. this is the only time i can bond so closely with my first child. and frankly speaking, 9 months is going to fly by so quick. i'm already approaching the end of my 7th.

the other night, the girls and i went to Dempsey for some fancy dinner. it's been a long time since we've had such a good time eating at such a nice place. House serves really good fish n chips and salad. and i love the teasers.

so we had a good chat. been a long time since it's just been the three of us. i've always felt something good about this trio arrangement. it's been almost 10 years since we've rounded up and i think friends this long and this intimate are by far a rarity. and i'm glad God set us up for this.

we're planning a baby shower with just a few more close friends, perhaps some time next month when i'm close to the due. i'm thinking of getting joa to cook, or we'd order in some pizzas and play pictionary.

tonight i'll be making chocolate truffles so joa can take to his colleagues tomorrow on his last day. tomorrow night, we're gonna go for our belated V-day dinner and stay over at his place. hopefully i can get some lovemaking in action. *smiles*

insanity that drives one to foolish stunts

Pedophilia is something i can never understand. i can understand insanity and the want to kill someone you hate or even take your own life. but i can never understand how can an adult bring themselves to violate a child just to get an orgasm.

the teacher who got 10 months in jail for having sex with an underaged boy: i honestly pity her. i pity that she was desperate enough to resort to finding love and comfort in another child half her age. i pity her that there wasn't another adult who could help and guide her to seek proper help. i pity that it didn't even occur to her that locking herself up in her room and secretly watching porn and masturbating could actually be more pleasurable and understandable than having intercourse with a child who is still going through puberty. in the end, the verdict is this: she may not fully deserve it, but she did commit a heinous crime that deserves a lifetime of shame.

i don't think the public should feel pity for the 15-yr old boy or his parents to begin with. the boy got off the hook despite that he's tried to blackmail. his parents got all the encouraging words despite that they didn't take their own son in hand. in the end, the real victims really, are the two young children of the woman. now left motherless and completely losing their trust, respect and love for their own mother forever.

why take sex out on a young person? a person that's not fully developed in his mentality as well as libido. why cheapen sex and your own body in this way? isn't sex something sacred and utterly intimate that you share with your one and only? why cheapen all of that when you can actually find love (and eventually, sex) in a perfectly functioning full-grown adult more capable of providing you with the loving care and security you need? why look for it in a child and violate his innocence?

and what more, why do it to your own child? men who fornicate their own child should go straight to hell. i wonder what happens to pedophiles upon their release? do they continue to cheapen sex and live day to day without expecting civilities from people around them? how does one live like that?

the throes of working life

driving to work is like sheer luxury. even tho i have to put up with traffic congestion through amk ave 1, lornie rd, and later aye. but it still beats having to walk uphill under the hot sun and squeezing in the mrt and the looong bus ride.

yesterday we hit a new record, arriving home at 7pm, instead of the usual 8pm. i also get to sleep in half hour later. sheer bliss! but it's just for this week. until my bro's recess week is over and he gets to own the car again :(

waking up early for woke is simply crazy. each morning, we arise at 6am/ 630am, get ready for work and make our way. we get into the office at 830am and don't get off till after 6pm. by the time we get back, it's 8pm. our stomachs are growling and we're absolutely washed out from the day. we turn it at about 10pm.

for 3 weeks, this has been our routine. so we got talking about how there is simply zero balance in our current lifestyle. we dun exercise on weekdays and weekends we're just too poofed to do anything except to catch up on sleep, or to try to recover from some ailment. despite all these, we meet up with friends once a week, have sex only during the weekend, and still, we find ourselves making a lot of effort. how can we ever cope in the future with a growing child and the want to exercise and hang out with friends on a regular basis.

i find singapore needs a serious revamp on the work policies. official working hours should be 5 days and from 9am to 5pm. otherwise, don't preach about work-life balance. it's all just about work and none about living.

the good thing is that joa ends his work this friday. which means he'll be less grouchy but i'll have to make my own way to work with my expanding belly. my legs are horribly swollen and Dr Cheng said it's gonna be a permanent scarring since my case is unusually serious.

i cannot believe i have been here for three weeks now. it's been quite a breeze. but i feel awfully exhausted. i guess it's good that joa take a short break till his new job. at least i can get all the cuddles and snuggles that i need to recharge.

cute

so that was the little surprise joa had for me. i found it extremely endearing because he said the assembly of the items made up both of us - love, marriage and baby on the way :) he'd planned to take me out that evening for a nice dinner but i didn't want to squeeze with the crowd and so we followed my parents to the Club and took a looong stroll (act just 40 mins, but both our legs were aching like mad) and later had supper at east coast food place where my parents dragged us on another looong walk around the cable ski lagoon.

it was a hardly romantic day but i think we got the squeeze out of it - flowers, exchange of lovey-dovey words, (great) sex, time spent together, wonderful time spent talking about everything and nothing, and of course, i get to redeem my 'voucher' for a nice dinner treat next time.

i went for my 29th week check yesterday and everything looks fine. except the fact that Little J had cushioned his face against my placenta so we cd not see if he has any obvious facial flaws. during the consultation, Dr Cheng received an urgent call from the hospital about a patient in labour. she was about 29 weeks, as advanced as i was and it appalled me that my due date was really coming quite soon. then the nurse went on to brief me about the following check-ups where i'd be due to fill in my hospital admission, take various vaginal scan and observe Little J's heartbeat for a sign of his birthday.

on monday, joa bought a few milk bottles and steriliser, and just last week, i bought some sleepers for him. grace, a close friend bought us a pair of booties (in the pic), and last night we were chatting with my cousin about the kind of crib to buy. gosh, this is all coming so fast i sometimes feel scared out of my wits.

workwise. i've started to adapt slowly to the endless travel journey to and fro work and starting to like my colleagues. although the walking upslope from the bus stop still kills me every morning and cause my varicose veins to swell and pop, still i've decide to take heart in this and press on till the end of my contract. afterall, the people are nice and the pay is decent.

joa's decided to quit his job at idp and i'm pleased becos he seems much happier these days. we're also going to trust God for a new opportunity so this friday, on his last day of work, i'm gonna gather a few close friends to 'celebrate' his (currently still non-existent) new upcoming job.

about valentine's day

it's valentine's day tomorrow but i think we're staying home. i'm not saying this out of sour grapes but what exactly does valentine's day mean? it's a puzzle i've been trying to figure out ever since 14 feb started to mean something. to me, the best way to celebrate v-day is to use it as an excuse to inaugurally ask a special someone out or have a special someone ask you out.

as far as i can remember, v-day was ever only special once. it was in 1998 and a musician i had a crazy crush on had asked me to a concert. i was exhilarated beyond words. but what happened during the date was the real deal - i ended up spending it with joa. later we both realised it was each other's virgin valentine's day date. we didn't do anything special. but our soulmateship sparked from that day on. he was just a boy who seemed handsome enough and i, a cell group member who seemed nice enough.

but it was special. and after that, every other valentine's paled.

one valentine, i tried to make it special by heading out to the Gold Coast for seafood. The crayfish mornay was great but the walk on the beach sucked. the company was all wrong and i knew it there and then. and then i tried to reenact the scene from Lady and the Tramp, the scene where they had meatball linguini by the candlelight. for a while i had an idealism that spagetti was a v-day food, just like bak kwa is a chinese new year goodie.

for many years, v-day was a day i sulked all day and wished it'll just skip. then in beijing last year, we headed out on a freezing night. when we reached the restaurant, we found out we didn't really want to spend SGD160 on a meal. so we settled for jiaozi at the chinese diners next door. it cost only SGD7. there was nothing really special about the night. or the night in 1998. it was just a hell lot of walk. walk and talk. while the former in sg warmed me up with a wonderful conversation, the latter in beijing warmed me up with my hands held in his pocket through ever step. still both felt warmest in the heart. and if anything, v-day should feel like that.

so wat about this year? joa's not feeling well. we're both exhausted from our new jobs and the anticipation of the baby on the way. but i'm sure we'll find a way somehow. no surprises i think. i didn't even prepare a gift and his plans to take me to a restaurant i've always fancied has either been dashed or postponed. but i can take heart in that no matter what, i've already found my forever valentine. and i think that's the key to keeping my heart warm.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May this day be the sweetest for you of all!

Wakin in Concert 2009

what a night. i'm sure many of you would have read about the press cover in the monday papers. i love Wakin. he's so dashing and manly. when i first saw a black and white pic of him on a cover of a HK magazine back in 1995, i remember how i saw this macho-ness in his eyes. at that moment, he was the epitome of the man i always wanted to marry. he sparked the taiwanese dream in me - even tho he isn't taiwanese (but HK), still he made me imagine all taiwanese men were like that. deep voiced, gentle giants. *swoon*

the concert was quite a sight. although this being the fourth one, was really starting to take the toll on me. not only hadn't he released any new album since the last concert in singapore back in 2006, but his evergreen songs are heard everywhere and so frequently that every different version now sounds just the same to me. still, this concert made a difference with its 'Rooftop' theme. Wakin talked casually about his childhood, his dreams dreamed on a rooftop, fatherhood, and his 22-year singing career. the accompanying music was akin to a full orchestra concert. he had his key players - the violinist, pianist, saxophonist, and the guest player - a harpist. that's the accent of his music that stands out from all others. jay chou never used anything more than a synthesiser while david tao relies on his rock band. wakin, takes the pain to invent the best quality of wholesome music. a full string band, piano, a real violin, harp, saxophone. if there was a solo harp, the piano would be its accompaniment. if he was playing his acoustic guitar, here comes the double bass. truly classic.

my cousin, jun, and i were seated on row 16. i could see she loved every min of it. and so did everyone around us. people sang along. they cheered and applaused. wakin was the star of the night and a grateful, appreciative one. i tot the $168 ticket was worth every penny. it was a beautiful concert, a wonderful night.

sick

ok. day 2. i'm still gagging.

i started to feel woozy on the mrt and then felt my stomach churn through the bus ride. nus is far, far away. and it doesnt make it any easier having to walk up 200m upslope after i alight at the bus stop.

seriously, the thought did cross my mind. maybe i shd just pack up and go. but no. the money will come in useful. so i ran to the ladies, thrice, overturn myself and force shit out. i don't want to go back to doing nothing all day. it's just for two months. i'll hold out.

oh, but my head. my stomach. i need to lie down.

not too great a first day

45 more minutes and already i can't quite wait to dash out of the door and make my (long) way home. this is not quite a great day. the office is now situated in an old function room that is doomed for demolitian next week, by then, we'd move to anor makeshift space up in the new building. but until then, it's drilling next door, and everywhere's just messy.

i'm too far away from home and the long mrt/bus route makes it worse. stepping out of the office, i feel like i'm back at school again. the canteen food sucks and everywhere's just students. it made me glad that i didn't study university here. it's certainly not like how it was like back at QUT.

my new colleagues are alright. almeta, my new head and karen, who sits opposite me are a cheerful and easy going - although i cdn't quite keep up with their conversation of fine dining places which are having set lunch promos at $45 per head.

i ran into a familiar face - Loo Si, an accounts executive who used to work at SGCC while i was there. she's been here for 7 months and when she walked by me with a curious expression on her face, i instantly knew who she was.

aside from all these, i got sick on the way to work. puked in the toilet, and later, one more time when i started on my first assignment. frankly, vetting fine dining menus are quite a chore. writing about circuit breakers seemed easier.

my corner is unlike what i had in beijing. no view, no nice sunshiny desk. frankly, this place feels more strange and foreign than china. i wonder how long i'm gonna get used to this. my only comfort - i'd only just have to hold this out for 2 mths and off i go.

new happenings

there's been some luck with our job hunt of late. i cd have mentioned that joa got anor job offer and unlike the last, he's taken this one up. it's been three days since he's started and he obviously likes it a lot. then again, he's been receiving calls for interviews at government companies and banks and it's really giving him a headache.

a surprise came for me too. i just got a call from NUSS with an offer for a Corporate Communications position for 2 months. altho it's contract term, but at least i'll be at a job working on tasks that requires more brain activity than sticking price tags on t-shirts and removing contents from postal envelops.

meanwhile, i have yet to inform my current boss. i hate to do this to him and i can so see mel yelling at me over the phone when i ring her to tell her the good/bad news. it's not that i dun love it here. i do. and NUSS is freaking farrrr! but at least i can keep my writing portfolio going while earning 3 times what i am earning now.

so what do i do now? i don't know. i need this job and i need the cash. but i hate having to travel everyday to NUSS and being so far away from joa (he's in orchard).

alive and dead

the matter of life and death has been resurfacing in my mind of late. taken on by new circumstances - the baby's movements within me: signs of a new life; and the passing on of a dear uncle: death. last night, one of my baby's violent kicks jarred me awake (one of his favourite past time now), and i started feeling how surreal just before-life and after-life feels. i wondered what was on my baby's mind now, and if he is a reincarnation of a previous person. i felt for this little one, a continuation of my life - this person who'll eventually outlive me to see a future world that i will never see after my death.

in a recent novel that i read, a young boy asked his uncle what was death like. the uncle replied asking the boy if he could remember what life was before he was born. and that was what death was. the blackout of the heart and mind. no memories, no senses, a feeling of total void.

when my uncle died, there was a morning where i'd strolled by the new condominium near my home which was still on construction. as i stood there watching the workers carry out their piling, i wondered if my uncle had always known he'd never get to see the completion of this condo. and then as i wandered through the streets of singapore, every traffic turn, street lamp, people - i saw with new eyes what he'd never see again.

as i laid in the dark last night, hearing joa snore away, i felt a jolt of anxiety grip me hard. what would happen to me when i'm dead and gone? where would all these thoughts of mine go to as i settle into dust? i wished for a real heaven or a reincarnation.

for a long time, i believed that i lived in a single dimension that existed solely. histories and the tales of the future was just something we were all made to believe in. the truth of the matter is, they didn't exist. and when i eventually pass on, i'll go back to the time of my first memory where my current family and friends surround me back in 1983 and relive this life all over again.

the thought of this was more comforting then an eventual demise into nothingness. i wondered what would the world be in 3000 AD. where would i go to? what would i have become? then again, those people who are dying around me: where were they now?

i want to protect everything i have atm. and as i turned to look at a sleeping joa and it occured to me just how wonderful everything seems at the moment. i realised we wouldn't be young and beautiful all our lives. soon, we'd be wrinkled, sick and old, and be reminising about the good ol' days of our present. we wdn't be where we are forever. more and more people will depart from us just as new ones will come along. life's uncertainty is as frightening as death itself.

forbidden luxuries

being a soon-to-be mummy is not exactly without compromising with myself. there's so many lovely things i cannot buy. nice clothes that i can't fit into, fancy bags that i have to remind that i don't need, cute jewelry that i have to resist to reserve funds. and these are not all. i have to think twice - no, thrice, four times even - when contemplating to buy anything. do i need it? is there a cheaper alternative? can i buy it later when i eventually start to earn my keep again.

there are many things that i want atm. for example, i want to buy a new bag, a pair of new flats, a pair of solitaire earrings and a new watch. but i know these can wait. there are even more important things that i need to reserve my money for. for starters, a crib, milk bottles, breast pump, diaper bag, and more maternity clothes since i'm about to outgrow my current ones.

it is both useful and despairing that joa is a natural miser. he buys the cheapest he can gets - quite the opposite from me. i believe in quality and paying more for better quality is only natural to me. currently, we're debating over the kind of diaper bag to buy. i want something sophisticated and functional. he wants it functional and inexpensive. i want to buy Tommie Tippee milk bottles but he thinks the normal Pigeon ones will do. and those are just a few i can recall for now.
there's so many i have made myself miss. for starters, the Nokia E71. i came across it barely 2 months after joa and i got ourselves a W990i (one of the least expensive we found), and i was so tempted to get it before joa started sulking and reminding me that the current one we had was our 'couple phone'. so there.

and then there was the pair of glasses that i so badly wanted to get from Paris Miki. but it costs $429 (frame+lens) and joa was livid that i was even considering it. he tot it didn't look pretty on me though i'm really quite sure of the opposite. anyway. i went back to my family's optician and settled for something quite similar but not so glam at half the price. though joa still thinks that was anor example of my strange taste, but that's anor story.

therefore, with the savings, i'm about to contemplate a My Sweet Honey Swatch. ok, i'm not too sure if this is the one that i spotted and love. but i remember it has a bronzy-orange look and is part of the Irony collection. i'll check it out again tomorrow when i go shopping. but anyway, i'm not sure if i need (another) watch, and if i'd be contented to buy it for myself. of cos it'll be much more meaningful if SOMEONE got it for me :) but oh well. just something i'm considering atm.

but i know. they all say, it'll all be worth it once u look into his angelic face... the little devil.