death-defying

I think I suffer from thanatophobia, in simple terms, it's the fear of death or anything related to it. ever since my uncle died and my baby was born, it dawned on me that a whole new generation has come and taken over.

Everyday, I'd imagine a car accident, and if my dad or Joa comes home late or I cannot find them, I'd think maybe they'd disappeared forever. I love looking at Little J when he's asleep but hate it when I start imagining him cold and still. I look at his chest very often. Just to make sure it's heaving up and down.

An ex-colleague once told me she used to imagine that her kids being kidnapped. Maybe my imagination that my child died is part of the maternal protective instinct. It's morbid, I know. It's something I haven't told anyone, not even Joa.

I was pondering about how we always look forward to the weekend, or to an event that's happening in one or two years time. But what we don't realise is that in between, all that time is wasted. And so, I resolved to treasure every second and every minute of the day. When I awoke this morning, feeling an overwhelming numbness from a lack of sleep, I reminded myself that lazing in bed just one more minute is just wasting another minute of my life. Life is short and it seems everything that I'm doing, exercising, eating, or simply mopping the floor, is just a big waste of time. Imagine having to work five days a week, spending your entire day at the office and missing the baby you'd left at home, only to die at the end of 50 years.

What's the point of it all? I was just thinking that next year, I'd be in my last twentieth year. I'll be thirty. And in a blink of an eye, I'd be forty, and fifty, and sixty, and then a senior citizen! You remember how as young teenagers we cdn't quite wait to grow up. And now that I have, I realised I'm growing old.

I wonder if the eventual "freedom" of death is simply pain in itself. Why can't I stay 28 forever? Why can't my parents and I live like that forever? Why can't my baby be small forever?