happy picture

the remnants of the past manifests in my dreams. of late it's been getting frequent. i see us and i am seized by anxiety.

i don't see the loving him anymore. neither do i remember the part where we were happy. it's been written off by all the sleepless tearful nights; and the years of longing, of frustrations, of rejections.

i saw a small picture of him the other day. he seemed happy with her and they look more like the model couple than me and him ever were. i think money and status makes up most of it - and of course the part where i'm sure comes from her adoration of him (which i'd never had).

last week i shared this with joa and he asked me if it was because i wasn't happy with where i am. i don't deny more money, more career success would make me just as glad - but doesnt that do that to just about everyone?

so it's not fair. what joa and i have is very unique. we have to live with each other's tantrums and everyday we just do our best and see what God has in store for us.

joa hasn't been too happy of late. i sense his dejection, his disappointment. and i feel empowered to tell him not to despair because i've been at a much worse state and i still turned out okay. but i try not to say too much - i fear he might think i'm trying to play pscyh.

but i still wish he'd be a lot happier. it's hard to enjoy his company when his troubles are spelled all over his smiling face.

my job has reached a stable point. i don't work as much now and my company has bought me an air ticket to head home for a week. i have to sign a two-year contract for that. it's like a mobile phone contract in sg. buy a phone for free and you're bound to the provider for 24 months.

i dun want to be in china without joa. he's the reason why i'm here and i'm disappointed that he's lost the passion for his china experience. i just hope this is just a difficult phrase and he'll work it out soon.

clearly he doesn't realise how much potential he has in this land of endless opportunities. i keep telling him that his career doesn't end at his internship but merely starts. somehow he thinks going back to sg is better.

and suddenly the picture of paul is reflected in my head. do i want a picture that's merely us posing in our business attire amid a white background or do i want us, hand in hand, wearing jeans and out in the wilderness exploring so much that the world has and overcoming a day at a time?

i'm happy where i am. definitely happier than i've ever been. and i want joa to know that he is part of all this bliss. sure we don't have a fancy car, or fat paycheques. but we have lots of friends to laugh with, jobs and a future in an environment of so many challenges, and most of all, a love that we can be proud of and be respected for.

and i love him so much. even though he gets on my nerves lots of times. but that's how it is about love right? you want to hug him to bed every night even though he hasn't bathed or brushed his teeth from the day.