happy picture

the remnants of the past manifests in my dreams. of late it's been getting frequent. i see us and i am seized by anxiety.

i don't see the loving him anymore. neither do i remember the part where we were happy. it's been written off by all the sleepless tearful nights; and the years of longing, of frustrations, of rejections.

i saw a small picture of him the other day. he seemed happy with her and they look more like the model couple than me and him ever were. i think money and status makes up most of it - and of course the part where i'm sure comes from her adoration of him (which i'd never had).

last week i shared this with joa and he asked me if it was because i wasn't happy with where i am. i don't deny more money, more career success would make me just as glad - but doesnt that do that to just about everyone?

so it's not fair. what joa and i have is very unique. we have to live with each other's tantrums and everyday we just do our best and see what God has in store for us.

joa hasn't been too happy of late. i sense his dejection, his disappointment. and i feel empowered to tell him not to despair because i've been at a much worse state and i still turned out okay. but i try not to say too much - i fear he might think i'm trying to play pscyh.

but i still wish he'd be a lot happier. it's hard to enjoy his company when his troubles are spelled all over his smiling face.

my job has reached a stable point. i don't work as much now and my company has bought me an air ticket to head home for a week. i have to sign a two-year contract for that. it's like a mobile phone contract in sg. buy a phone for free and you're bound to the provider for 24 months.

i dun want to be in china without joa. he's the reason why i'm here and i'm disappointed that he's lost the passion for his china experience. i just hope this is just a difficult phrase and he'll work it out soon.

clearly he doesn't realise how much potential he has in this land of endless opportunities. i keep telling him that his career doesn't end at his internship but merely starts. somehow he thinks going back to sg is better.

and suddenly the picture of paul is reflected in my head. do i want a picture that's merely us posing in our business attire amid a white background or do i want us, hand in hand, wearing jeans and out in the wilderness exploring so much that the world has and overcoming a day at a time?

i'm happy where i am. definitely happier than i've ever been. and i want joa to know that he is part of all this bliss. sure we don't have a fancy car, or fat paycheques. but we have lots of friends to laugh with, jobs and a future in an environment of so many challenges, and most of all, a love that we can be proud of and be respected for.

and i love him so much. even though he gets on my nerves lots of times. but that's how it is about love right? you want to hug him to bed every night even though he hasn't bathed or brushed his teeth from the day.

naked nature

a friend i met during one of the networking events invited us to a bbq by a lake. it was one of those typical weekend activity that the locals loved. so at 8.30am, she and her husband came by and we all packed in their car and went on this two-hour drive to the wilderness beyond the city.
it's spring and the flowers are blooming prettily.

pekinese bbq is real salty since chilli and tumeric powder and coarse salt is sprinkled on the 串: which is just meat on skewers. it was nice, but joa and i still like singapore-styled bbq better.

aahh, nice.

baby crisis

i'm in the middle of a stressful week. haven't had enough sleep and eating too much trash. but there has been some amazing new characters around and joa is back.

he didnt come back all happy and excited to see me. but there was a somberness about him. but i was really happy when i saw the while silk scarf with cherry blossom embroidery he'd bought me from hangzhou. we had a major argument on the first night. he was too exhausted and i was having an anxiety attack. at 10pm, i dragged him out of bed to have dinner at the yunnan restaurant i'd planned on earlier.

we talked about it over dinner and made up. later that night, we made a most passionate sex. it's v unusual having sex with him. the emotional tension just blows me away.

i'm shy about my body without regularly exercise and symptoms of ageing. he looks absolutely fabulous - like an underwear model, i always tell him. and i get all nervous when he rubs my tummy or stares at my thighs. but in bed, i like to look at him, sink my tongue with his and feel him within. it's an amazing feeling.

i wish i had more time to catch up with him. but it's a bz week at his office and my agenda is full. i leave for shanghai early tomorrow and i just want to spend a quiet last night with him. i plan to phone order for macdonald's or a pizza so we can cosy up with a video.

i just want him to cheer up soon. it hurts me to see the loss of the sparkle in his eyes. i wish there was something else i could do.

beijing home

pics of our new home at dongzhimen.

our bedroom and baby is still in bed.

fantastic view from the balconybest 'bolster' in the whole world!

just great!

it didn't meant in an elated sense. i can forget about a relaxing public holiday tmr. was told i am to emcee an event next tues and so have to report to work at 9.30am tomorrow for a conference call. the client has requested to meet me in the afternoon, i suspect to suss out if i was good enough.

it's terribly frightening having to address 150 distinguished guests at such a huge event. i've nv been one before and i rem those days where i had to play a solo and it always caused sleepless nights. i tried requesting for some money to buy a dress and was expecting a professional to do my hair and makeup. but they just looked at me and expected me to already own a decent evening dress!

not sure what's going to happen from here. had a really intimate msn chat with joa last night and i miss him terribly now. can't wait till next mon until i was told i had to attend late-night rehersals till the event on tues nite. worse, i will leave for shanghai at sunrise on thurs morn and not return till sat afternoon.

it's going to be a long week and i half dread and look forward to it. i can't wait to tell joa about my emceeing. he'll be so shock. i hope to be able to buy a really pretty dress so i cd charm him to death!

motivated

the new job is exciting and extremely challenging. for the last one week i've been up to my neck with proposals, press releases, and other miscellenous stuffs. i've had stuffs to do every night and neglecting housekeeping.

last night i got home at 10, took a shower and was going to settle down on my laptop when i realised that Gab, my new flatmate, had thrown his finished cup noodle into the bin in the living area which lining has leaked into the bin itself. then i walked into the kitchen and saw seasoning powder strewn all over the kitchen top and the table cloth and scourer soiled and left in the sink. so i cleaned it up, took out the trash and decided to sweep the floor and rinse the bathroom floor. at 11, i was ironing my blouse for work when i realised how luxurious having mum around has been and quietly missing her.

i sometimes feel i've never enjoyed work as much as i do now. underneath i'm frightened that i'll screw up and the client will hate me and decide on other agencies. i love being in china and having the expanse of the city all within my reach. my job keeps me sane and my lunch buddy is a wonderful girl with animated actions. and i know all these gets better when joa is back.

i rang him while on the cab back to the office. it felt distant and i wondered how it must be hard on him not to have someone chat about his day. his sms last night was just adorable, sweet and heart-wrenching. i must say i only miss him towards the end of the day when packing up for home feels boring. i told him i will go to shanghai next wed for a workshop and i'm glad he responded with disappointment :) that would mean we'd only have a day together till the weekend.

tilly has been a wonderful company. i'm wondering if i'm imposing on her too much. we have a long weekend this week and we're planning to spend an interesting day on fri. maybe i'll go shop for a bicycle and take photos of the plum blossoms.

authorgal in despair

oh. my. i'm having this feeling that some secret chinese agents have come across my old blog and have prevented all access! i think i may have to be here for a while. but anyway, it's prob a good change. with blogger, the features are relatively still active and working so i can put up more pics.

11 days is going by a little too slowly. it's dreary being in beijing all alone and the wet weather doesnt make things any better. otherwise, i'm making good progress at work. getting to know my colleagues better and really enjoying my work.

i had some nasty incidents over the weekend. rem the prc satay lady at pasir ris who refused to give me more satay sauce, well, over here it's like 50 times worse! they're out to con and connive and how many times have i sworn nv to buy from the bargain outlets already!

so yes. no more. i've had enough of haggling for everything from purchasing a laptop to buying a pair of darn chopsticks. no wonder no one ever speaks about shopping in china. although there are plenty to shop for, but the effort is just not worth the buy!

i bought a pair of sample nine west heels and a dkny leisure shoes and they cost me a whopping RMB800. just plain crazy, if u ask me. and i frankly dun understand how i managed to be convinced. and what's worse is the dkny shoes were a size too small, although they have a pretty silky sheen on it, it's just cut-throat price.

it's been only 5 days and i already feel so distant from him. he's called all but once, left me a message almost every day and when i ring him, he's so anxious to hang up to save on credit. it's almost heartbreaking but i somehow know and feel i can trust him.

i'm having a great time chilling out with other friends. and it feels good to be independent solo me again. had some nasty experiences over the last few days but it's always good to return to work, to my white big desk and gaze out at the city. isn't this all too painfully ideal and unbelievable?

i cannot believe it, but i'm actually in china!