stressful week

i've been feeling stressed out tis week - and it's all due to silly reasons.

the thought of the visit to yanjiao in two weeks' and unexpected happenings over the weekend.
i tink it's the age. turning 27 feels like i'm turning 72. sometimes i feel i deserve to wake up on a weekend for once not having the alarm ringing in my ear, miss gym and have a say to do whatever i want and splurge however i want. there are pple i love to hang out with and pple where i dread to meet.

i'm not making a good impression.
it's easy to identify me as a devil when i'm constantly with kind-hearted joa. joa doesn't say no and often he is too indifferent towards things around to appear offended. i, on the other hand, am tired of appearing sweet and only accomodate when the situation/person is deserving. so i say no when i dun fancy a certain ideal and i say no when i dun think i want to do a favour.

sick of low self-image, low self-esteem, and low self-respect
tis is a prob i've been dealing with for the longest time. no, i do not think i'm pretty. no, i do not think pple like me. and yes, i think it's normal that pple are never fond of me. fuck this.

trip to the hospital today
with all these. an old ailment kicked up again. so after some deliberation, i decided it was time to seek a professional opinion.

first of all, it began pouring madly in the morning. i held a small brolly, but strong winds were blowing in all direction so in the end, my sneakers were squishy, my blouse stuck to my skin and my hair was totally wet. have i ever told u about the hospitals in beijing? ok, they're huge. and the various depts are segregated in blocks. and all of them are spelt out in the most legible sense so u dun have to guess who goes there. for eg, Tumour dept, Liver Disease dept, Cancer dept, Internal Dept, etc. u get the idea.

so i rushed towards the biggest building i saw and found myself faced with an open life half filled with rubbish bags and a horrible stench. a man was taking the bags out and he looked as if he hadn't seen me. when i asked how to get to the main lobby, he gestered a flight of stairs leading down to darkness. so i trotted down. it was dark, silent and there was a stench. finally, i reached a long corridor, dim-litted and there were rooms on the side. they were not wards. i tried not to look for fear it might be the morgue and just tried to listen out for human voices.

after the longest time, i was directed to the elevator, sent up to various floors only to realise i was in the wrong building. then after being told that i was still in the wrong block after about 8 blocks, i finally found the gynaecology.

at the reception, the unsmiling nurse made me pay SGD1.30 for registration and directed me to the nurse counter. The nurse asked me what's the problem, handed me a form and told me to go back to the same counter to pay up. at the same counter with the same unsmiling gal, i paid SGD3 to see a doc and then went back to see the nurse. she instructed me to a room where 3 young ladies in doctor's coats sat gossiping. i had to shout over their conversation so the doctor who was sitting inside could hear me, sometimes even repeating when she missed out on what i was saying becos she got distracted in the juicy gossip.

she gave me a form, told me to return to the counter and pay for my testing. SGD15. i didnt even know what tests they were. went back to another examination room and i was made to sit on a chair with leg rests so my legs are spread wide. two of them walked in, carrying on their conversation, swiped me with lots of iodine, stuffed a metal thing in and yanked at something. it must have been a pap smear. then one of them stuffed her finger in, and pressed hard on my abdomen, left center right. it hurt like hell. she must have been checking my uterus and ovaries.

10 minutes later, they sent me to pay for a urine test. SGD1.60. negative. went back to the doctor's room and they gave me the diagnosis in mandarin. i didn't understand. and she didnt know how to describe except to giggle. i guessed it was a vaginal tract infection. then finally, she sent me off to collect the medicine at anor building.

of course i had to pay up first. standing in front of me was an old lady. her blouse was torn and she had a plastic bag for a bag, another plastic bag for some stuff, and another for a wallet all in that bag of a plastic bag. her prescription filled up about 10 pages and her bill was SGD250. i was tinking thank God i'd get over with SGD10. she didnt have money so off she went and it was my turn. the bill was SGD120. i gasped, repeated the amount aloud, and then found myself tellinthe cashier to forget it. so i left without any medicine. i realised this trip was a complete waste of time.

walking out, i was more convinced than ever that this is one of the worst place to live in. there are too many people and there's no way to care for everyone of them. then suddenly mum rang and i cdn't contain my homesickness. i miss being able to saunter into my GP and gynae's clinics whenever, their gentleness and their enthusiasm in answering my endless questions.

at work i've had quite a fruitful week. wrote 3 releases, 2 speeches, several letters, and two proposals. i love writing speeches and feel a great sense of achievement whenever i read through a finished release. i've been assigned on a new project which may take up some time over the weekend. but this is the best part about work: it helps me to forget where i am and remember who i am.