quarter-life crisis. i've past it.

there's been a bit of talk about this and maybe T has finally nailed it down to quarter-life crisis. the thing why i'm the least affected is perhaps becos i've really gone past it and sometimes i forget that i'm the oldest in the ring of people.

the year i was 25 had been the worst year for me. paul left me, joa hurt me. it was hard to stay at a job and all i cd write about was how painful it was. they say i was a shadow of myself. i spoke in circles, i could not decipher right from wrong. i lost my self and looking at old pictures of me when i was 21, 22 and 23 felt it like i was looking at a total stranger. she seemed happy and glowing. and when i looked into the mirror, all i saw was dread, rejection, and hopelessness.

i gave up writing. i felt i didnt want to do it anymore. maybe never again. i stopped reading too. so i just concentrated on watching dramas and getting lost in that fantasy world where there was no sylvia. for the rest of the year, i worked at a boutique and found joy cajoling with rich old ladies, flattering their ageing figure and finally getting their cash. that job was 6 days a week and took up all of my days and evenings in exchange of a pitance pay. for a while i felt contented yet i was most embarrassed. i was afraid of running into familiar faces. i was afraid of pple seeing signs of pity, less gloat at my misery.

but i went on, day after day, bracing the smile on my face and lamenting to all those nice older people who lent me understanding ears and a comforting shoulder. many of them have become intimate friends with me. till today, they ask about me and they're nosy about my oh-so-dramatic life. they always tell me, "it's like that. u'll get over it", like it was oh-so-simple. and they were right. it was.

i got out of it after i got into a job that i wasn't cut out for. i had a most flirtatious superior and motherly art directors (i love them!), and a pig-head for a boss. i wrote little ads everyday and by and by i got back on track. then i planned my big escape. and here i am in beijing. it's not ideal and my life is far from perfect. but joa and i mended the bridge and we live like an old couple. he tells me off everyday for not switching off the lights, and i am pissed with him for turning off my mp3 charger everytime. i earn a little more than i did at the boutique and everyday i find new things to feel pissed about. but it's no crisis. it's just another way of life.

joa is lost and he's insecure about things. i had two persons professing their fondness for me in the last 3 weeks. it's funny and moving but i'm already in love and this love makes it wretchingly hard for me to give it up. just having joa looking blue makes me anxious. i want to draw on that smile on his little face. since he's come back, he keeps randomly flashing this picture of him as a baby in my face. he's proud of it and i still love that baby although he's lost all that chubbiness now. tell me how to make him smile again, please. i'd like to draw on my own experience but my own was horrible. it was two years wasted to the quarter-life crisis! but it was no biggie. i walked out of it, a more resilient person, more aligned with my dreams. i'm proud of it. i'm out of it.