good mood

DIY facial.

i'm in a really good mood today. the weekend was wonderful - though we didnt do any touristy thing. joa was too tired from the trip so we just shopped at carrefour, went for a massage, church and stayed home for the rest of time. i felt most refreshed to start a new work week.

it's my birthday tomorrow and we took the day off to spend a day at Happy Valley. frankly, i'm terrified of the rides and will prob give the extreme ones a miss. but i'm excited to gain a new experience with joa and especially, look forward to a memorable birthday. i just hope for cool weather so we dun take the heat out on one anor.

tonight i've invited a couple of close friends for a birthday treat. and i'm gonna have a huge plate of flopjacks :))

happy day

my 8-yr old nephew has a blog. and his most recent entry is soO funny! read it:

"When I had a SGEM* contest in school, the teacher said the prize was candlelight dinner for two. I was very happy, not until today came and it was prize ceremony for the contest. Guess what they gave? I won, but the prize was............. two packets of Magee mee and a candle (While stockslast! ) . I am super mad!"

joa arrived home earlier than expected. i was still in bed at about 7.50am when he rang for me to unlock the main door. and he bought me hotcakes! we took a shower, went back to bed, unexpectedly made love, and i went to get some work done before we went out for lunch.

it looks like we won't be making yanjiao this weekend afterall. frankly, i was hoping to go and get it over and done with. but anor program just came out and two of our friends seem to be more keen on that leaving the guy who invited us to yj slightly pissed.

strangely i didnt feel a need to rejoice about it. even though i was a little amused by how things turned out without me having to play party pooper.

i'm really looking forward to next week. joa and i took leave on my birthday so we could go to the aquarium. but when mandy suggested that we shd go to happy valley instead, i knew joa wd enjoy it more. also, i'm trying to organise a birthday treat and invite a few close friends. mandy is on the list, together with thomas and mel. if i had more money, i'd invite 4 more friends. but that's about all i can afford for now. plus, i wanted dinner to be worthwhile for them to make the trip and time.

i can't wait to leave work and start the weekend. oh, and yes i know there are a few fellow Leo gals who are celebrating their birthday these two weeks! To Pris, Celia, Ann gee, and some others i may have forgotten, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

we Leos rock!

fat banana

mandy, the new intern in my team was fascinated when the fruit guy gave her a gig-omous banana. she's been most adorable, filling my days at work with childlike humour and jests.

i took up joa's suggestion and am watching The L Word. it's engaging but i find lesbian sex bizzarre. first of all, i cannot understand how pleasureable making love to anor woman when it's just masturbating. it's quite provocative but i love the nude scenes. it's no wonder it's not screening in sg.

joa comes back from shanghai tmr morn and i'm absolutely happy and looking forward to it : ))

shopping

finally. i found some decent clothes to buy! seems like a 50% season so joa and i decided to spend an afternoon at wudaokou shopping at U center. the reason why he was interested in tis mall was simply becos it was singaporean and as we entered, the sterile smell and bright lights really did make us feel so at home.

so that's wat i bought. u prob can't see much becos i'm really bad at taking pix of clothings. 2 esprit tops, 1 esprit dress, 1 'Fishing' blouse and a giordano shorts. i love summer clothes. they're so pretty and comfy.

my rain : ))

stressful week

i've been feeling stressed out tis week - and it's all due to silly reasons.

the thought of the visit to yanjiao in two weeks' and unexpected happenings over the weekend.
i tink it's the age. turning 27 feels like i'm turning 72. sometimes i feel i deserve to wake up on a weekend for once not having the alarm ringing in my ear, miss gym and have a say to do whatever i want and splurge however i want. there are pple i love to hang out with and pple where i dread to meet.

i'm not making a good impression.
it's easy to identify me as a devil when i'm constantly with kind-hearted joa. joa doesn't say no and often he is too indifferent towards things around to appear offended. i, on the other hand, am tired of appearing sweet and only accomodate when the situation/person is deserving. so i say no when i dun fancy a certain ideal and i say no when i dun think i want to do a favour.

sick of low self-image, low self-esteem, and low self-respect
tis is a prob i've been dealing with for the longest time. no, i do not think i'm pretty. no, i do not think pple like me. and yes, i think it's normal that pple are never fond of me. fuck this.

trip to the hospital today
with all these. an old ailment kicked up again. so after some deliberation, i decided it was time to seek a professional opinion.

first of all, it began pouring madly in the morning. i held a small brolly, but strong winds were blowing in all direction so in the end, my sneakers were squishy, my blouse stuck to my skin and my hair was totally wet. have i ever told u about the hospitals in beijing? ok, they're huge. and the various depts are segregated in blocks. and all of them are spelt out in the most legible sense so u dun have to guess who goes there. for eg, Tumour dept, Liver Disease dept, Cancer dept, Internal Dept, etc. u get the idea.

so i rushed towards the biggest building i saw and found myself faced with an open life half filled with rubbish bags and a horrible stench. a man was taking the bags out and he looked as if he hadn't seen me. when i asked how to get to the main lobby, he gestered a flight of stairs leading down to darkness. so i trotted down. it was dark, silent and there was a stench. finally, i reached a long corridor, dim-litted and there were rooms on the side. they were not wards. i tried not to look for fear it might be the morgue and just tried to listen out for human voices.

after the longest time, i was directed to the elevator, sent up to various floors only to realise i was in the wrong building. then after being told that i was still in the wrong block after about 8 blocks, i finally found the gynaecology.

at the reception, the unsmiling nurse made me pay SGD1.30 for registration and directed me to the nurse counter. The nurse asked me what's the problem, handed me a form and told me to go back to the same counter to pay up. at the same counter with the same unsmiling gal, i paid SGD3 to see a doc and then went back to see the nurse. she instructed me to a room where 3 young ladies in doctor's coats sat gossiping. i had to shout over their conversation so the doctor who was sitting inside could hear me, sometimes even repeating when she missed out on what i was saying becos she got distracted in the juicy gossip.

she gave me a form, told me to return to the counter and pay for my testing. SGD15. i didnt even know what tests they were. went back to another examination room and i was made to sit on a chair with leg rests so my legs are spread wide. two of them walked in, carrying on their conversation, swiped me with lots of iodine, stuffed a metal thing in and yanked at something. it must have been a pap smear. then one of them stuffed her finger in, and pressed hard on my abdomen, left center right. it hurt like hell. she must have been checking my uterus and ovaries.

10 minutes later, they sent me to pay for a urine test. SGD1.60. negative. went back to the doctor's room and they gave me the diagnosis in mandarin. i didn't understand. and she didnt know how to describe except to giggle. i guessed it was a vaginal tract infection. then finally, she sent me off to collect the medicine at anor building.

of course i had to pay up first. standing in front of me was an old lady. her blouse was torn and she had a plastic bag for a bag, another plastic bag for some stuff, and another for a wallet all in that bag of a plastic bag. her prescription filled up about 10 pages and her bill was SGD250. i was tinking thank God i'd get over with SGD10. she didnt have money so off she went and it was my turn. the bill was SGD120. i gasped, repeated the amount aloud, and then found myself tellinthe cashier to forget it. so i left without any medicine. i realised this trip was a complete waste of time.

walking out, i was more convinced than ever that this is one of the worst place to live in. there are too many people and there's no way to care for everyone of them. then suddenly mum rang and i cdn't contain my homesickness. i miss being able to saunter into my GP and gynae's clinics whenever, their gentleness and their enthusiasm in answering my endless questions.

at work i've had quite a fruitful week. wrote 3 releases, 2 speeches, several letters, and two proposals. i love writing speeches and feel a great sense of achievement whenever i read through a finished release. i've been assigned on a new project which may take up some time over the weekend. but this is the best part about work: it helps me to forget where i am and remember who i am.

uncle simon in beijing

i noe mum would love to see this.

fake LV slipper

bought it during lunch-time shopping. SGD8. anor colleague reckons i cd get it at half price. looks hilariously fake. it's comfy. it's now my office slipper.

TGIF!

i want to pour out all my frustrations. but saying anything now would be a biased opinion. i need to cool down, buy some shoes (which i did. 2.) and go for a facial tonight. i miss all my friends in singapore. for some reasons they are able to accept and enjoy the way that i am and not judge me in a negative light. i think the story is too long to be retold again and again.

quarter-life crisis. i've past it.

there's been a bit of talk about this and maybe T has finally nailed it down to quarter-life crisis. the thing why i'm the least affected is perhaps becos i've really gone past it and sometimes i forget that i'm the oldest in the ring of people.

the year i was 25 had been the worst year for me. paul left me, joa hurt me. it was hard to stay at a job and all i cd write about was how painful it was. they say i was a shadow of myself. i spoke in circles, i could not decipher right from wrong. i lost my self and looking at old pictures of me when i was 21, 22 and 23 felt it like i was looking at a total stranger. she seemed happy and glowing. and when i looked into the mirror, all i saw was dread, rejection, and hopelessness.

i gave up writing. i felt i didnt want to do it anymore. maybe never again. i stopped reading too. so i just concentrated on watching dramas and getting lost in that fantasy world where there was no sylvia. for the rest of the year, i worked at a boutique and found joy cajoling with rich old ladies, flattering their ageing figure and finally getting their cash. that job was 6 days a week and took up all of my days and evenings in exchange of a pitance pay. for a while i felt contented yet i was most embarrassed. i was afraid of running into familiar faces. i was afraid of pple seeing signs of pity, less gloat at my misery.

but i went on, day after day, bracing the smile on my face and lamenting to all those nice older people who lent me understanding ears and a comforting shoulder. many of them have become intimate friends with me. till today, they ask about me and they're nosy about my oh-so-dramatic life. they always tell me, "it's like that. u'll get over it", like it was oh-so-simple. and they were right. it was.

i got out of it after i got into a job that i wasn't cut out for. i had a most flirtatious superior and motherly art directors (i love them!), and a pig-head for a boss. i wrote little ads everyday and by and by i got back on track. then i planned my big escape. and here i am in beijing. it's not ideal and my life is far from perfect. but joa and i mended the bridge and we live like an old couple. he tells me off everyday for not switching off the lights, and i am pissed with him for turning off my mp3 charger everytime. i earn a little more than i did at the boutique and everyday i find new things to feel pissed about. but it's no crisis. it's just another way of life.

joa is lost and he's insecure about things. i had two persons professing their fondness for me in the last 3 weeks. it's funny and moving but i'm already in love and this love makes it wretchingly hard for me to give it up. just having joa looking blue makes me anxious. i want to draw on that smile on his little face. since he's come back, he keeps randomly flashing this picture of him as a baby in my face. he's proud of it and i still love that baby although he's lost all that chubbiness now. tell me how to make him smile again, please. i'd like to draw on my own experience but my own was horrible. it was two years wasted to the quarter-life crisis! but it was no biggie. i walked out of it, a more resilient person, more aligned with my dreams. i'm proud of it. i'm out of it.

Team retreat

my third company retreat this month. this time it's with the BD team and the V-crew. a 2D1N stay at a australian winery. our first stop was at 黑龙潭, a nature reserve with beautiful mountain ranges, waterfalls and a breathtaking view. we didn't manage to hike all 3 hrs first becos my colleagues weren't keen, and even when 3 of us pressed on, we found the trail difficult. it was hard to climb steps and ladders (yes, ladders) in the caves and we were told a rain was coming. but it was a good workout. i had enough of stairs.

so this is where we lived. charming little mansion that has rooms with juicy looking apple-green walls. i suspect it was to hide the moss growing on the walls. i had a room all to myself becos my roomate decided to quit (the job) the day before. we had a feast for dinner. not great food. but at leas they were amazingly fresh. there was also karaoke and mahjong lined up.
loved looking at the wild plants and the animals that was reared nearby. an ostrich farm and a horse range. thats a pony i'm trying to touch. they're awfully friendly and now i so want to ride a horse!
it's been a long time since i felt this close to nature. great scenenary, fresh air and lovely animals. i think i shd visit the aquarium soon.

reflection

it's our 6th month in beijing. a lot of things have happened in between. we've got lost, confused, pissed off, conned, fought; and we've also been blessed, learned, grew, and saw. definitely being here has made me realised how fortunate i am to be singaporean, as well as how fortunate i am to be away from singapore. C is a huge country. not in size, but in its traditions, living, and mindset.

the past few months have been emotionally draining. making new friends and seeing them off. joa and i seem to be a constant in all of these. saying goodbye now means less to me. i realised i've learned to see the good of not having my friends around. so it's easier and sometimes, saying goodbye is just a painful ritual and it's better not to have it at all. so i let many of them leave with just well wishes in an email. it doesn't matter whether we will meet each other within this year or next. we've got a whole lifetime to run into each other again, be it in singapore, china, taiwan, australia, or even anywhere else. and when we do meet, we sd tell about how great our life is.

contrary to popular belief, i do not crave for a globe-trotting life. but i crave for new experiences and new insights to people's lives. my family thinks i'm too wild for my own good and my cousins think i'm just a different child. but the truth is all i really want in life is a beach wedding, an apartment on a high floor and quiet weekend nights.

our experience here has helped bring on new meaning to our aspirations. a home is very important and being near our parents and having our children grow up with them is ideal. i miss home. miss the smell of mum's cooking and making silly puns with my bro. i miss driving in night and getting lost with joa next to me. i miss waffle tuesdays with chums and having them rally behind me when i bitch about other pple. and i miss my adorable nephews. at the end of everything, i realise nothing in C compares to what i have in singapore and i'm not just talking about the government.

it's hard making friends here. partly because i've got my best friend here with me, and that everyone just seems so different. i can't talk to them about jealousy, insecurity or tell them what i just heard from God. at least joa does. but it's different now that he's playing the 'masculine' role and he cannot be compared to a girl chum.

i miss all of you. i'm sure u all know who you are :)

monday brunch

not having to work on mondays felt like i was on top of the world. joa and i spent his last day in beijing having a nice brunch at la tavern and he remarked at how relaxing it was.

i like how this little french restaurant has a dining area in the small courtyard. suzette crepe was terribly bitter. but the profiteroles was just splendid! that one's for pancakes *wink*