mad fight

we had a huge argument last night. exchange of blows, yellings, insults and some flying furniture. i almost thought this was it. the evening had begun with me confronting my insecurity about an old flame of his that recently contacted him again. i was surprised that he quickly deleted her from his facebook. but that only made me more worried. i didn't want to appear like a neurotic, jealous gf. i wanted to be cool and full of confidence and admirable. he said why would he want to be with someone as self-centred as her when he cd be with me. i didn't understand that.

so i kept asking him if he regretted it becos i started imagining his watching-tv expression as a wistful silence: in his thoughts a million apologies to that poor gal whose friendship he'd have to deprive of becos of a mad, jealous gf. so i kept probing and was about to suggest to him that perhaps he shd reinstate her but he only told me to "not be crazy". so we ate the rest of the dinner with him very contented with the K-drama that i put on as our dinner entertainment and me, very confused.

later we were having a chat in bed about his visa status and we got into an argument and that saw me leaving the bed, taking my pillows and a duvet with me and slamming the door. i sat on the couch trying to think logically but all i that came up was that sunshine impression i'd had of him - the cute schoolboy who'd sat at the bus stops for hours with me listening to me bitch about a galfriend, the uni student who had a kind of shyness that looked almost too irresistably dashing - well, there was none of it for now.

and then i thought i'd just wait out till this bad feeling blew over and everything'll be fine but out he came dressed up to head out to the streets and suddenly i lunged at him and thrashed him with my fists. he tried to tell me he was just going out for a walk and get some grains but i started throwing the chairs at him and to counter it, he threw me down on the couch several times till finally, he did some karate thing and i fell flat on my back with his forearm suffocating me.

he told me to leave and i walked into the bedroom, pulled out my luggage and as he was yelling at me, i felt i had to retreat into the wardrobe but he stormed in and started lecturing me about spending my parents money and not getting over the depression and doing silly childish things. i told him to shut up but he went on and on repeating the same thing over and over. so i got up and started to walk out becos my throat felt like sandpaper but he pushed me back and told me to stay put. i tried to push him out of the way but he kept bouncing back and pushing me back onto the bed.

i told him to go for his walk and that didn't want to see him but he said i'd wanted to talk so let's talk. and that went on for about five mins and finally i wrapped my arms around him and cried telling him i didn't want him to go. so he said to stay while he go open the door for our flatmate (apparently he'd heard the door knocking but when i stepped out to pee 15 mins later, there was no one in the house!). he came back and he asked me if i'd wanted to leave him. i thought for a while not knowing how to answer and finally i said no, not now. i told him i'm happy. so incredibly happy that it felt unreal. he pinched me and asked me if it hurt and then raised his arm and told me to pinch him back. i didn't.

he said my fear would choreograph in real life everything that i didn't want to happen. we apologised while i realised my middle finger hurt and the side of my right hand had a little swell.

he held me tightly in bed and told me through tears that i was so important. nibbling my ear and kissing me all over, i was almost too drowsy frm the metformin that had begun to kick in. he said he'd wanted to make love to me tonight. i told him anor day becos i was too sleepy. he backed off and i started telling him about this new idea i had to play with my webcam during one of our 'sessions'. i felt he felt a bit put off by the idea.

i urged him to come on and then we delve into sex which was absolutely marvellous. he went slow and gentle and when he asked me to hold on to his bum with my legs, we both came only that he was shrieking and trembling for a much longer time. refusing to let go he'd started to cry again.

after the passionate died off, we both drifted into a deep sleep. i got up with puffy eyes and was touched when he asked me about my hand the moment he awoke. we were both still apologising profusely even as we were walking to work in the morning. i still feel sorry about being so distrustful. he ought to be forgiven for whatever and i ought to be less paranoid.