forgotten...

there's something very uneasy about being too contented. and along with contentment comes forgetfulness. i sometimes feel i've forgotten how during the low that i tried to change - to be a better person, more tolerant of things and more optimistic of the future.

maybe it's the norethisterone that i'm taking. sometimes i feel i'm too confident of what i've been through and what i have. i've forgotten how i'd had to overcome setbacks, learnt to love people, and to feel in touch with my own emotions.

there's lots of doubts about everything. a lot of uncertainty that i'm afraid will jump at me if i let my guard down. joa has problems with his visa, with his work. and this has been affecting us. we both don't know what's going to happen. we unintentionally snap at each other and he's slowly retreating into his silence again while i'm trying hard to immerse in this big noisy city and all its problems.

with problems in the present and future, our past still continually haunts us. memories, experiences, places, intimacy, mutual friends, and old loves that cannot seem to get over with itselves.

it's not as bad as it sounds. surely i'm exaggerating. yesterday he suggested that we visit the new olympics bird nest and eat fries. i enjoy eating fries with him the most. he's at his happiest, most cheerful, and greediest. i like having to compete for the soggy ones and to see his face grin like a little child.

i've forgotten to do anything for him since i started this new job. i've forgotten to work at loving him when i should be doing more than just expressing it. wash his clothes, cook his dinner, clean up the room and do all the things that he wants to do instead of the other way round.