love and marriage just not the same.

mum has always warned me about being naive. thought i never admit it, but on my solo walks i'd always feel underachieved - and that perhaps i'd romanticized the whole notion of love in a way that was just unrealistic.

after 2 failed relationships, i realised that perhaps each time, i'd been swept away by the fantasy of a strong arm, and an affectionate smile. love, give and sacrifice. but at the end of it all, it's how my mum would put it - well, what can they give in return?

i cd never accredit someone for their giving. in fact, it's something i cd nv get used to. if joa made me breakfast, i'd offer to cook dinner. if joa cooked dinner, i'd offer to clean up. if i cooked dinner, i'd still offer to clean up. if he bought me pancakes for breakfast, i'd buy him something else for dinner. the thing is, i cd never imagine putting him out. maybe becos in my world, i cd nv imagine anyone wanting to do anything for me.

i'm not sure what i'm talking about. but i truly believe that men are innately self-centred. they crave materials, status and respect. what they do not realise is that their ambitions make the women around them insecure. sometimes i doubt they understand what women really want.

every girl i know is talking about getting married. i remember on the first day of polytechnic, in the midst of our first business class, the mentor asked everyone to announce their ambition. out of every ten girls, 8 said their ambition was to be a housewife. typically, i rolled my eyes up and snarled. but suddenly, as i'm approaching my 27th birthday in 2 months time, it occured to me how natural that desire was.

i don't think i'd ever want to be a full time homemaker like my mum. i think it takes too much of a person to wait on an entire unappreciative family. but of cos like every girl out there, i dream of having my little own home, a sapphire wedding band and some sort of wedding portrait hanging above my bed. and although my last marriage left a stigma in me, still, i crave to belong and to have someone that belongs.

you know what i mean?

i'm not sure if where i am now has been a wise choice. but i try to be hopeful about it. there' s love and affection. i can feel it. but there just isn't a great sense of responsibility as yet. maybe it's what they always say about men and premarital sex: why buy milk when you get the whole cow for free?

so it's really not entirely the men to blame. it's really the folly of women and their stupid dreams of love. if love is all you want from a man, that's easy. but if marriage is the ultimate plan, maybe you should step back and think twice. it's almost taboo.