moody bitch

i've been feeling irritable of late. irritated of having to commute on the public transport to work and irritated upon realising that my quality of life has dipped way below.

and with this, i find fault with the people around me - my mum for not being understanding, my brother for being a selfish pig, my dad for appearing undisturbed, the government for Singapore being the country with the worst work practices, and finally God, for making Singapore this sunny, scorching-to-death, shitty place that has nothing of a scenary or culture or anything that can make life just a tad more tolerable.

the victim of all my complains is joa who blames himself for not being able to provide me with a car to drive to work, and not being to get a job that pays well enough for me to be a stay-home mum-to-be. he tells me he feels bad even when i have to walk from the mrt station home. and no matter how i assure and reassure him, he'd still take it that he's to blame.

the thing is, i should not even be complaining.

first of all, all these walking can only help me put off the double extra antenatal pounds i could have gained and, according to one book source, it should elevate my varicose vein condition. second of all, all the long travelling to and fro work can only toughen me up and prove to myself that i can be as independant and discipline as i want myself to be. and finally, i need to remind myself that my parents do not have to give me anything more than they already have. there are so many countless blessings that i have today that i should and ought to attribute to them. and most of all, the truth is, although i wake up grouchy at the unearthly hour, yet inside of me, i feel my heart flutter when i turn around and see joa snoozing right beside me. through my waking hours, i look forward to calling off a day at work and finally heading home to see him and spend the rest of the evening just watching telly with him.

although i didn't remember feeling this disgruntled in beijing, but everything else wrong about being born and living in the country cannot be helped. i need to learn to count my blessings - a best friend for a husband, a baby on the way, scores of close-knitted friends i can always count on for a good chill-out session (without having them tell me to make ridiculous 'prior bookings'!) and a job that pays me well enough to buy pretty things simply for the fun of it even during this time of crisis.

last week, i had the liberty of driving the car to work and i realised how indispensable a car is to living an acceptable standard of life. i've always chided friends, joa and my parents for thinking that a car at my current stage of life is even necessary when it is known to be a liability. but today, i found myself saying aloud to a fellow colleague that i was driving out of church yesterday at noon time and i saw the bus stop packed with well-dressed fellow church-goers fanning themselves furiously when it occured to me how a car can bring you a kind of happiness that only money can buy. and so, i am now seriously considering joa's all-time suggestion to get our own car by the end of the year.

nonetheless, i'm back at the point of my life where i feel oblivious to anything. on saturday, C and i had gone shopping and i was just asking her what it's like to date in Singapore. and i meant it as in, where do couples go on dates and what can you possibly do in Singapore that is even remotely romantic? not to appear like i'm totally mistaken here, there are numerous places joa and i are planning to visit - namely, the zoo, the night safari (which i haven't been), the mandai reserves, sentosa beach and other kitschy nightspots. then there are places where we want to go and dine at: tony romas, modestos, california pizza kitchen, and kway chap at toa payoh. but every weekend, we get intimidated by the heat outside and decide to best head home and lay in bed.

on to more optimistic things, i'm thinking of rounding up the gals for anor dinner & gossip session. and maybe i shd make a trip to cold storage at 9pm for that cheap durian offer. i think some sugar high could do me good.

i need to remind myself that i am happy. that despite not having a few luxury items that only money can buy, at least i do own some happiness that no amount of money can buy.