alive and dead

the matter of life and death has been resurfacing in my mind of late. taken on by new circumstances - the baby's movements within me: signs of a new life; and the passing on of a dear uncle: death. last night, one of my baby's violent kicks jarred me awake (one of his favourite past time now), and i started feeling how surreal just before-life and after-life feels. i wondered what was on my baby's mind now, and if he is a reincarnation of a previous person. i felt for this little one, a continuation of my life - this person who'll eventually outlive me to see a future world that i will never see after my death.

in a recent novel that i read, a young boy asked his uncle what was death like. the uncle replied asking the boy if he could remember what life was before he was born. and that was what death was. the blackout of the heart and mind. no memories, no senses, a feeling of total void.

when my uncle died, there was a morning where i'd strolled by the new condominium near my home which was still on construction. as i stood there watching the workers carry out their piling, i wondered if my uncle had always known he'd never get to see the completion of this condo. and then as i wandered through the streets of singapore, every traffic turn, street lamp, people - i saw with new eyes what he'd never see again.

as i laid in the dark last night, hearing joa snore away, i felt a jolt of anxiety grip me hard. what would happen to me when i'm dead and gone? where would all these thoughts of mine go to as i settle into dust? i wished for a real heaven or a reincarnation.

for a long time, i believed that i lived in a single dimension that existed solely. histories and the tales of the future was just something we were all made to believe in. the truth of the matter is, they didn't exist. and when i eventually pass on, i'll go back to the time of my first memory where my current family and friends surround me back in 1983 and relive this life all over again.

the thought of this was more comforting then an eventual demise into nothingness. i wondered what would the world be in 3000 AD. where would i go to? what would i have become? then again, those people who are dying around me: where were they now?

i want to protect everything i have atm. and as i turned to look at a sleeping joa and it occured to me just how wonderful everything seems at the moment. i realised we wouldn't be young and beautiful all our lives. soon, we'd be wrinkled, sick and old, and be reminising about the good ol' days of our present. we wdn't be where we are forever. more and more people will depart from us just as new ones will come along. life's uncertainty is as frightening as death itself.