when family knows you least

i had planned for a quiet cosy night in. my bro was coming home late from school and i had looked forward to just having a casual chat with him as he and mum tuck into their late dinner. alas, everything went awry. unkind words, heavy sentiments of misunderstandings and a flurry of emotions were exchanged over the dinner table.

after storming back to my room and giving the door a big loud slam, tears of fury stung my eyes and spilled over. at this point, i am overwhelmed with anger, immense disappointment, and great indignation. i realised my family perhaps understands me the least. the people whom i hold most dear, my mum and brother, clearly do not appreciate the person that i am, and have demonstrated their total ignorance about who i really am, my values, my principles, my integrity and all the lessons that my past has taught me.

often, my mum and brother use my past to dig into my person. they continue to mock at me, thinking it's some great joke of the century. of course i know my mum love me. but i'm starting to realise my brother's intentions are not just fun-loving.

this is terribly disappointing. during a period which i'd thought they had been the most encouraging; during which i kept telling people how great a confidante my brother was and how comforting my mum has been, and then i realise that i was wrong - that really, they thought i'd brought it on to myself and as a result had been a great burden to them.

my bro, who always almost seem like an honourable decent chap is really a liar, a conniver and an insensitive cold-hearted creature like the ernie toy in his room. he doesnt care about us as kinship, doesnt think to give, and doesn't display form of compassion for my ageing parents. i'm starting to suspect he's disassociated himself emotionally from us and only holds the least respect for our parents simply becos they brought him up.

i'm starting to lose trust in him, lose faith for him. i think i've confided in the wrong person all these years. he doesn't care. and it's time i realised.

i'm hurt. i miss the distance i had from them while i was away. but the child in me ties me to our roots. i want to ring joa up and tell him all about it. but i tink i shd cool down first. i need to pour it out, retreat into myself and calm myself down to carry on with my ongoing duties.

suddenly i wish i cd just pull out of the wedding. i dun think i want to live with them knowing that they see me as this useless fool of the family. i'd rather not marry, return to beijing and live without them. maybe this will help them appreciate me more.