jitters or is it just me.

is it the jitters that's setting in now or is it just my paranoia. i seem to feel nothing is quite unusual about the impending wedding. i'm sure i haven't found the perfect gowns, selected the right colours for my sisters, and made the right choice for the bedsheets. i somehow feel every decision was made in a mad rush. i wasn't given enough time to ponder, to research, and to deliberate.

of cos i'm thankful for the wondrous people who've been putting in the hours to help while i struggle with all these uncertainties. but my body's in the worst shape. my tummy is starting to bulge, my face is breaking out. i can't exercise, i can't eat less, and i can't stop putting on weight.

i dun think i will be the perfect bride i've always dreamt of being. everyone else has the prettiest face, the shapiest body and the best gowns. but not me. suddenly i feel terrified. i'm scared to face the day, the guests, and even receiving the well wishes feels ill-deserved.

first counselling session

joa and i went for our first counselling session with Jon, the counsellor who saw me through insanity. i think it was a really fruitful time.

we had arrived some ten minutes early so we decided to take the time and list down the challenges that we face in our rs. him, fear of not being able to be a good husband/ dad; me, unwilling to let go of the past and insecurities of the future.

jon was a star and he guided us through understanding each other's behaviour, reaction and finally the various ways to resolve the challenges. the most important of all, jon made us realise that this wedding, although abrupt as it is, has indeed been part of the plan in our relationship. he also helped me to see why joa has chosen me as his life partner and helped joa understand why i sometimes question his love.

as we headed home, we both felt refreshed to embark on this new journey together. marriage is not just positive emotions and hectic wedding preparations. i think after today, i feel more assured that this is the path that i won't regret.

joa was saying he has a feeling our baby is a girl. i'm starting to think so too although i'm really not sure since the odds are the same.

yesterday we were at the bridal shop when the lady remarked aloud that my stomach had since grew "so big, so fast". god, i was dead embarrassed. so i said it might be all the milo and good food i've been feasting on. it's strange how i'm looking forward to the baby rather than the wedding. and i have to constantly remind myself to eat the less fattening food and move about more so i offset the pounds somehow.

i'm a bride-to-be that doesn't have to go on a strict diet and exercise to lose weight. i wonder if it's a pity or a bad thing. but it's official - i'm 12+ weeks pregnant and my tummy is starting to show (as per everyone's remark). oh god, not good for a wedding dress. i'd be 15 weeks by then!

me the painter

in face of tensions at home, i decided to stay the night at joa's home. it was just as well too since he'd needed help to paint our new room. together, we selected a light misty pink to coat over the existing slate blue. all in all, we put on about 2 coats, some parts requiring thicker application.

joa was completely exhausted since all i cd do was up to the highest i cd reach (he didnt allow me to stand on any chair). but after two hours, i felt a sharp pain in the back of my hips and actually lost my balance while squatting and fell on my bum. since then, it's been quite painful and have gotten worse now. i can't bend over, squat or sit for v long becos then it'll hurt so bad i can't straighten my legs.

our scanteak bed is arriving tmr and so is the Jewel Box mum bought me - actually, a dressing table with little drawers and compartments and has doors to close up like a jewel box. it's really pretty and i can't wait to put up all my make-up and accessories.

wedding haven't done list:

1. couple video

2. updated itinerary

3. church registration

4. dinner seating arrangement

5. love songs to play during dinner

6. tea ceremony car allocation

7. groom's gift

8. room and house decoration

9. march-in fanfare x2

10. buy new bedsheets & bolster

i'm sure there's so much more. i just can't think of what.

when family knows you least

i had planned for a quiet cosy night in. my bro was coming home late from school and i had looked forward to just having a casual chat with him as he and mum tuck into their late dinner. alas, everything went awry. unkind words, heavy sentiments of misunderstandings and a flurry of emotions were exchanged over the dinner table.

after storming back to my room and giving the door a big loud slam, tears of fury stung my eyes and spilled over. at this point, i am overwhelmed with anger, immense disappointment, and great indignation. i realised my family perhaps understands me the least. the people whom i hold most dear, my mum and brother, clearly do not appreciate the person that i am, and have demonstrated their total ignorance about who i really am, my values, my principles, my integrity and all the lessons that my past has taught me.

often, my mum and brother use my past to dig into my person. they continue to mock at me, thinking it's some great joke of the century. of course i know my mum love me. but i'm starting to realise my brother's intentions are not just fun-loving.

this is terribly disappointing. during a period which i'd thought they had been the most encouraging; during which i kept telling people how great a confidante my brother was and how comforting my mum has been, and then i realise that i was wrong - that really, they thought i'd brought it on to myself and as a result had been a great burden to them.

my bro, who always almost seem like an honourable decent chap is really a liar, a conniver and an insensitive cold-hearted creature like the ernie toy in his room. he doesnt care about us as kinship, doesnt think to give, and doesn't display form of compassion for my ageing parents. i'm starting to suspect he's disassociated himself emotionally from us and only holds the least respect for our parents simply becos they brought him up.

i'm starting to lose trust in him, lose faith for him. i think i've confided in the wrong person all these years. he doesn't care. and it's time i realised.

i'm hurt. i miss the distance i had from them while i was away. but the child in me ties me to our roots. i want to ring joa up and tell him all about it. but i tink i shd cool down first. i need to pour it out, retreat into myself and calm myself down to carry on with my ongoing duties.

suddenly i wish i cd just pull out of the wedding. i dun think i want to live with them knowing that they see me as this useless fool of the family. i'd rather not marry, return to beijing and live without them. maybe this will help them appreciate me more.

xephr

Xephr, 16 months old. too cute.

home yummy home!

we're back. and for the past week we've been doing nothing but making preparations for the wedding. i'm so thankful for supportive parents, excited friends and cousins who have offered to help and all the wonderful people who have been sending us well wishes thru the web.


the flight back was smooth and relaxing. SIA is really the best way to fly. courteous hostesses, satisfactory food (altho they forgot the ice cream dessert), great movie entertainment and a total new makeover! wonderful!

joa and i have been having a great time eating and enjoying the local fare. but i did realise the sausage mcmuffin in singapore ain't as delicious as the ones in beijing. it's somewat sweeter. but otherwise, everything else has been wonderful. chicken rice, nasi lemak, kway chap ... all at my reach!


i'm putting on weight. which is bad. and the symptoms are getting more frequent. i am exhausted half the time and now joa has to do more of my chores for me. but he's been very sweet and attentive. i feel like a lucky girl. it's been a long long time since i last felt this way.