coming back to living

it's over: the funeral, the shock, the heartache. i spent the last 2 weeks just pondering over life and death and going about my usual routine to assure myself that life ahead of me is still long and i'm certainly not going to lose any more loved ones at least for a while. i wrote a long letter to my godpa and attended the last night of the wake with a red ribbon tied around my waist. at least there's some form of closure.

on monday, Little Nonya too came to an end. i love the ending. i love how she sacrificed her love and missed out on some of the pleasures in life. i applaud the writer for his wisdom in this - it's true, life is not a bed of roses. drama should be a reflection of either reality or fantasy. and in this case, he's chosen the former. it's a right balance - afterall, how many of such heroines righteous and gorgeous as Yue Niang do we meet everyday? so i think critical people who feels the writer has let them down should just stop whining and do all they can to cherish what love they have and love to death. that'll be the lesson to learn from that.

joa and i celebrated our first Couple Anniversary two nights ago. we watched Bedtime Stories and then took a walk at 12 midnight from AMK to Serangoon Gardens - a reenactment of our first V-day date in 1999. it was a cute gesture and joa was delighted when i suggested it. but i regretted it ten mins on becos my hips and my thighs were starting to ache.

i've decided to take up a part time retail job. it took me a long time to decide becos the pay is minimal and i fear it might be boring ass. but on hindsight it'll get me paid while out of the house and pay for some of our expenses.

baby update: Little J is pushing 23 weeks and i'm gaining a hearty appetite (and lots of weight). so far, i'm enjoying pregnancy minus the fact that i look horrible in mirrors. i realise it's too soon before i know it. we calculated his zodiac and horoscope and it seems he's likely gonna be a 'double bull' - born in the year of the Ox under the Taurus Star. oh god, i pray against a bullish mule.

A Tribute to my Godfather

my Papa has passed away. he was my favourite uncle, my foster dad during my childhood, and my stand-in dad who was always there when my own dad could not. as a child, i knew what time i cd expect him to knock off work and return home. i'd hear his whistle, which means i'd have to open the door for him.

he was always smiling, gentle and never rose his voice. then when i was in brisbane, i got news that he'd suffered a massive stroke that left him half-paralysed and bedridden. i cd not be there but i cried in bed for a week, lamenting the ill fortunes that befell on my loved ones.

when i returned, he was no longer the active uncle i knew whom could be count on for a free car lift. then, he was totally dependant on us. and i felt it was only right, considering the million of favours he's done for us. for years, i'd sense a nag to pray for him, to lay hand on the part of his body that couldn't move anymore. but i didn't. i was too much of a coward. too afraid to be told off and even facing his rejection.

as helpless as he was, he still had on his smile and his dignity. he didn't need your company if you felt awkward around him, so i escaped all the time. but tonight, at the start of the new year, he passed on. a massive heart attack had claimed him too soon. once again, i hadn't been able to be there due to my pregnancy. again, i got away.

the last few times i saw him, i remember feeling a profound sense of sadness. i told joa, we had to pray for him together. still we didn't. i regret all those times i hadn't been there. he was always there but i wasn't. he always extended a helping hand. yet i didn't extend even a bit of God's grace. i only even had one picture of him at my wedding!

forever, i will remember the adorable way he smiled, the friendly way he chuckled, his boisterous whistling and the gentle father he'd been to me.

Papa,

thank you for being a blessing in my life.

i will remember you always and tell my children

what a helpful, generous person

you've been.

Year 2008

2008 is coming to an end. and it's funny becos as i'm writing this entry, i'm listening to Little Christmas Tree. i love how christmas songs always make you feel a sense of nostalgia. as if my surroundings have turned into a scene from an old english movie - it's snowing outside but the room is warmed by a fire by the corner.

at the start of 2008, i had a strange feeling that all was about to change. it hadn't been like 2007. somehow i knew fantasies and adventures were about to unfold. and it did. joa and i got together, we travelled to beijing and met so many wonderful people, got married and are now about to have our first child. and just as the same it had been a year ago, i know 2009 holds its own mysteries too. i know that our lives can only get better.

therefore, my new year's resolution:

1. be the best writer i can be
2. be the best mother i can be
3. be the best wife i can be
4. be the best daughter i can be
5. be the best friend i can be

be of good cheer everyone! the best is yet to come!

Christmas 2008

Happy Christmas. meals with close friends, gift exchange and feasts with families -- service too: our first cosy christmas together :)

updates

job hunting has never felt this disheartening. my job search since coming back home has been futile. five interviews, i've been, and none, if they hadn't minded the fact that i'm pregnant, would have minded the fact that my specialisation in writing simply does not make me the all-rounded and experienced in all aspects executive that they'd like me to be.

so i'm facing rejection in my own country from my own people whom at this precarious time has chosen to lean towards multi-skills and experienced people whom can be paid less yet can manage a several portfolios all at once with little or no guidance.

i'm admiring my friends who are able to go to work everyday, dress up to the nines and have money to buy whatever they like. i'm stuck with shopping at maternity shops, trying to save whatever i can for the baby, and trying to decide what to do from now till next april.

but the days are flying by fast. already, i'm 20 weeks pregnant and due for a FA scan this friday. Dr Cheng will check all of Little J's organs and his facial features. i pray for zero defects and no cleft lip.

now tat i'm (not being arrogant here, but really) "basking in marital bliss", i cannot help but feel distant from all the love woes that my friends are going through. in most situations now, i feel more like a guru, as if a graduate from the school of courtship and romance. still i remind myself that i can still, fall into the same category of heartache and blindness.

i've always believed in love at first sight. and i'm lucky to have experienced it twice. the first was a wonderful, unforgettable experience. the second, a destruction. love can be beautiful and sweet. but it can also steal and destroy. i believe the best kind of love comes with a common understanding, with a mutual sense of humour and principles. love, when it ends, can either bring you a new confidante, or lead in an enemy for life. so love is unpredictable. and it's always good to just cruise on and see where the tide takes you.

christmas is coming. it's next week. but i'm not so excited. there's no christmas mood in the air and simply no money for presents and big feast. but i know, this is the first and last christmas that joa and i will have with each other. next year, we'll have a little elf destroying our peace and quiet.

i'm wondering what kind of a mother i'll make and what will overcome me when i first set my eyes on my little boy. will i cry or will i not like the way he looks?

the worst nightmare

i mentioned in the last entry about how i was catching on the tragedy of the Singaporean victim at the Mumbai shootout. watching all the footage and reading all the news about lo's husband and family really reminded me on the pain of losing a loved one. it's almost impossible to imagine facing the loss of either/ both of my parents or joa. just thinking about it makes me feel like dying myself.

last week, W talked about how she'd attended a wake. her co-worker's dad had died of cancer and he was only 55. the touching eulogies reminded her of how much time she'd left with her own dad. hearing her recounting the experience almost made me cry. my dad is 57 this year and the mean age of men in singapore is about 65-70. so that leaves me with less than 10 more years with him. i'd always dreamt and talked about going away to taiwan again to live and work. but after that night, i made up my mind. we're staying put and i'm determined to spend as much time as i can with my parents.

also, i ought to learn to help around the house a little instead of leaving it all to my mum. my room is dust-free (even under the bed!) and so neat. why can't i just make things easier for her by just helping out in little ways like washing my own mug instead of leaving it at the table?! and why can't i just get down to downloading some nice tunes into her new shuffle for her?! it's been almost 3 weeks since she asked me to!

i'm a bad, bad daughter.

with so many unfortunate events going around, it dawned on me how birthday parties, weddings, and get-togethers are such wonderful occasions. i used to hate going to such events where you just had to posed 'happy', but really, they're so much a better cause for cheer than having someone sick or dying. i remember how happy every guests (well, most) were at the wedding. their smiles, their congratulations. i think what really made it so unforgettable was seeing how everyone was in such high spirits, and nevermind that some were obviously drunk.

yeah, i realised how happy we all shd be when invited to a party. esp now that christmas is just around the corner, go gather some cousins, families and close friends and have a merry time! speaking of which, we girls are rounding up a christmas buffet dinner at parkroyal on beach road on the 20th. everyone has to bring a date and it'll be a great evening just chatting over free flow food and a chocolate fountain! can't wait!

what do i do when i have nothing to do?

job hunting has never felt this dismaying. first of all, i'm not exactly enthusiastic about going back to work in hectic singapore and two, i'm often feel too sick to send resumes. it's true. the latter is not an excuse. every mid-day noon, i'll be struck with a terribly throbbing heading that feels like a little man pounding a hammer at the back of my brain. it's so bad, i have to lie on my back and sleep for two hours!

but staying at home is plain boring. and frankly, i can't wait to get back to working again.

i'm absolutely crazy over the new 9pm serial, Little Nonya. Jeannette Aw, with her doe-eyes looks a beautiful picture and having her talk or play mute is equally irritating. Joa mimics her sign languages all the time attempting that innocent victimised expression which is quite hilarious. but anyway, i'm hot on the heels with the show, even though reviews say it's a real lousy and unrealistic story plot - like how did yueniang get from singapore to malacca during the war-torn era all by her 8-yr-old self is still a mystery to the both of us.

i'm well into my 18th week - or is it the 19th week - as you would notice, i've lost count. last two weeks, i bought several dresses, 2 maxis, 1 black lil' dress, 1 blue spag dress and a black m'phosis short thing. mum thinks they are all way too small for pregnancy but i think they'll do fine at least for the coming one, two months. i'm unable to fit into my usual clothes, not even my shorts.

i was going to talk about the recent terrorism attack in india (an attempt to sound so on the know about current affairs). anyway, will do next time. i dunno why i ranted on and on and boring you with silly things, but yes, i'm frustrated that i. haven't. got. A. JOBB!!!

ok. there, there.