I’d just reminded Joa that if we’re in luck, we might have just five more weeks. Otherwise, it’d be sooner. The thought of being in a cold, sterile room with people poking sharp things between my legs while I endure hours of excruciating pain is freaking me out. I think about how I’ll be away from the comforts of my home, bed and family. But on the brighter note, at least I’ll be well underway to repossessing my body.

My legs are swollen beyond shape. I feel a tad self-conscious whenever I am out so these days I try to doll up a little bit more. Btw, I’ve a new hairdo. Back to basic straight. I hated it at first, even lost a night’s sleep over it. Joa tot that was funny. Said it was a weird thing to lose sleep about. Then I started getting used to it. I still dun love it. I just wish it’d grow faster.

We had wonderful shopping over the weekend. And I got some earrings, mascara and makeup. We got lucky because last week, Mum went shopping and rang me at work to tell me she was buying Little J a cot bed. So that was a substantial financial offload. How nice it is to earn your own keep. Although Joa was livid when I bought my third mascara, he couldn’t quite say anything besides the usual I-must-never-give-you-charge-of-my-money laments.

Then I saw many lovely clothes out there which jolted me to excitement about being out of pregnancy. They say the final month is the longest of all and I can so understand it now. My legs and back hurt. And I miss my weekly runs where I can feel the wind in my face and hair. I miss wearing heels and short tight skirts and can’t wait to learn rollerblading again. There’s just a thousand and one things I want to do but I’d first have to go through the throes of labour. Joa reminded me that I have only the serpent to blame for painful childbirth. That was supposed to be funny and making a whole lot of sense.

We watched Gran Torino. It was great. One of the more moving films I’ve caught in a long time. In fact I’d teared a little. My brother who hadn’t watched it had warned me that it was quite a violent show. It wasn’t. In fact it was just about an aged, lonely ex-soldier who needed a friend.

Someone hold my hand.

New days

Huge week. The Dialogue with MM Lee was quite an experience although the waiting bit was agonizing (he arrived 45 mins late). Other than that, he shared his insight on the economy, relations between countries, and his crystal-ball take of Singapore in the near future.

Joa and I had the perfect weekend. Had slow brunch at his favourite prata place (we both ate a stack of prata!), bought bubble at my favourite stall, did a bit of mundane shopping, watched DVDs, went to church, had Sunday lunch with my family, had seafood dinner with his family, gathered up with friends for a cosy and interactive meal, and had a couple of love-making sessions (which is getting to be trickier with my swelling belly). It’s the simple things that make up wonderful days. If only every weekend was this carefree and relaxing. Marriage could never turn bad.

My folks were lamenting about my (miserable) career again. They feel I’ve never stayed in a job long enough to get a performance bonus, increment or job promotion. They were right. I haven’t since I first started in 2005. It was discouraging and quite frustrating to me. I mean, who didn’t want to be cream of the crop? So I was thinking about it while on the bus to work. I guess circumstances just happened. And even if I had to go through that period again, I doubt anything would change. The flipside of it all were all the wonderful people I’ve met and who’ve helped me through my journey in their special small ways.

I’ve been thinking about crossing disciplines for some time. It first began with casual thoughts and then over the last two months, I found myself thinking about it for a fair bit. I still want to be a journalist/ writer/ Press writer, etc. I was even telling Joa I want to start a Singapore’s version of Cosmopolitan magazine, educating women about sex, relationship, marriage, and relationships. I even aspire to be an Oprah Winfrey of Singapore – not her philanthropic ways, but have a talkshow like hers. There’re so many things I want to be. And then I thought about how since the divorce, I’d always wanted to help women overcome difficult times in life. And seriously, even as I’m writing this, I still dunno what I really want.

But staying comfortable in an office cubicle and sneaking a blog entry or two in between writing letters and F&B promotions is not going to help me get anywhere closer to my aspirations. Age is catching up. And I’m also too lazy to make any big changes. So I don’t know. But I am excited about getting back into the job hunt again. At least once again, I get to decide and choose again.

Pregnancy update: I’m into my 35th week, which means I’ve got about 5 weeks (plus n minus) left. We’re now short of a baby cot, diapers, toys, and other miscellaneous stuffs that mums carry around – i.e. nipple cream, wet tissues, etc. I’m also having a hearty appetite, but overeating makes me sick. My back hurts more and I can’t sit or stand in the same position for long. Lying on the bed is best. It takes the pressure off everywhere.

Work updates: my workplace violates every new policy that MOM is trying to promote. It is rigid, and staff performance is based on long working hours and any form of net-surfing or newspaper reading is a sign of skiving. Except the HODs, no one puts on a happy face. Everyone is just plain serious and buried head down into files because apparently, there are ‘spies’ around.
It’s a lovely day outside. Just cloudy and cool. I wish I was back on my bed so I can relieve my aching back and take a nap with Joa. It’s funny how every morning feels like a new miracle.

late nite

omg. i am so exhausted. today we started work at 8.30am and ended only at 12mn. thankfully there was cab allowance so i got to travel in decent comfort home without having to fork out a cent.

i realised i'm starting to get used to my colleagues. even tho i can't quite converse with more than half of them, but at least, i dun feel foreign. but today was an awakening call. we had MM Lee come to the Club for the Official Opening Ceremony and i got to meet his Press Sec. really nice, sweet lady who gives u that grandmotherly 'feel'. altho she was dressed, not in a powersuit, but in a floral silk blouse and cream pants, u cd see how she was commanding all the respect and her prowess esp when u see the Audi she drives. how impressive. i was totally taken aback.

that's the job i want. that's the kind of super career woman i want to be. not in fancy clothes and the latest hairstyle, but just a kind of simple, and inviting person that everyone naturally takes to.

i want to tell all about tonight but joa's snoring is really getting into me and i think my brain is starting to go into snooze mode. it's the weekend tmr. how wonderful (:

(sneaking) back...

I’ve been falling short of updates lately all thanks to a new contract job and bad luck for having been caught blogging at work. It didn’t cost me the job (though I sometimes wished it did), but I did get a warning from the HR.

Anyway. I’m down 35 days and have 22 more (excruciating) ones to go. You can tell how much I’m absolutely loving this. I’m not gonna complain about my job because I think most of my friends and J has heard me going on at it. And I figured, it’s pointless. Getting this job in the first place was a miracle. Finishing it would be a huge accomplishment.

Last night, we went to watch a musical by the theatre students of Lasalle. It was pretty impressive and a good show. Although it was disheartening to realise that most of the cast were foreigners. I guess performing arts could never naturally be a Singaporean thing. We can’t sing, can’t dance, but can speak with a lousy accent. I also realised I’m never one for musical. I dun fancy stage acting and find it mere pretense. I hate the singing but did love the music. I’m better off at a music concert.

We’ve been going around shopping for a baby cot for the baby. Everything is terribly expensive but we’re lucky my cousins have been passing on some of their baby stuffs. So far, we’ve saved on 2 strollers, a breast pump, breast pads, a playpen, a child seat, a sarong sling, a baby carrier. Plus we spent some of those free taka vouchers we got on our wedding on some milk bottles and sterilizer.
Now, we’re still debating which babycot to get and if we even need a diaper bag. I saw some nice ones from Mothercare, but they’re awfully pricey. I’m also still short of a soft toy for the baby to hug to sleep with. It’s hard to find any toy that is not made those soft furs. I just want one that is made of a towel material.

We’ve got a huge event coming up this Friday and if I’m lucky, I might just get a glimpse of MM Lee in the flesh.

6.5 hours more to go before I can head home and hit the shack.

moody bitch of a weather too

just when i'm starting to feel a slight chirpier, and as the clock begins to tick towards 6pm (13 more mins to be exact), there is a loud rumble of thunder.

at least i can say i've accomplished quite a fair bit of work today. i'm braving through the rain, irregardless if it should rain cats and dogs. that's it. i deserve a good wholesome dinner tonight. and that durian too.

there goes another rumble. shoot.

moody bitch

i've been feeling irritable of late. irritated of having to commute on the public transport to work and irritated upon realising that my quality of life has dipped way below.

and with this, i find fault with the people around me - my mum for not being understanding, my brother for being a selfish pig, my dad for appearing undisturbed, the government for Singapore being the country with the worst work practices, and finally God, for making Singapore this sunny, scorching-to-death, shitty place that has nothing of a scenary or culture or anything that can make life just a tad more tolerable.

the victim of all my complains is joa who blames himself for not being able to provide me with a car to drive to work, and not being to get a job that pays well enough for me to be a stay-home mum-to-be. he tells me he feels bad even when i have to walk from the mrt station home. and no matter how i assure and reassure him, he'd still take it that he's to blame.

the thing is, i should not even be complaining.

first of all, all these walking can only help me put off the double extra antenatal pounds i could have gained and, according to one book source, it should elevate my varicose vein condition. second of all, all the long travelling to and fro work can only toughen me up and prove to myself that i can be as independant and discipline as i want myself to be. and finally, i need to remind myself that my parents do not have to give me anything more than they already have. there are so many countless blessings that i have today that i should and ought to attribute to them. and most of all, the truth is, although i wake up grouchy at the unearthly hour, yet inside of me, i feel my heart flutter when i turn around and see joa snoozing right beside me. through my waking hours, i look forward to calling off a day at work and finally heading home to see him and spend the rest of the evening just watching telly with him.

although i didn't remember feeling this disgruntled in beijing, but everything else wrong about being born and living in the country cannot be helped. i need to learn to count my blessings - a best friend for a husband, a baby on the way, scores of close-knitted friends i can always count on for a good chill-out session (without having them tell me to make ridiculous 'prior bookings'!) and a job that pays me well enough to buy pretty things simply for the fun of it even during this time of crisis.

last week, i had the liberty of driving the car to work and i realised how indispensable a car is to living an acceptable standard of life. i've always chided friends, joa and my parents for thinking that a car at my current stage of life is even necessary when it is known to be a liability. but today, i found myself saying aloud to a fellow colleague that i was driving out of church yesterday at noon time and i saw the bus stop packed with well-dressed fellow church-goers fanning themselves furiously when it occured to me how a car can bring you a kind of happiness that only money can buy. and so, i am now seriously considering joa's all-time suggestion to get our own car by the end of the year.

nonetheless, i'm back at the point of my life where i feel oblivious to anything. on saturday, C and i had gone shopping and i was just asking her what it's like to date in Singapore. and i meant it as in, where do couples go on dates and what can you possibly do in Singapore that is even remotely romantic? not to appear like i'm totally mistaken here, there are numerous places joa and i are planning to visit - namely, the zoo, the night safari (which i haven't been), the mandai reserves, sentosa beach and other kitschy nightspots. then there are places where we want to go and dine at: tony romas, modestos, california pizza kitchen, and kway chap at toa payoh. but every weekend, we get intimidated by the heat outside and decide to best head home and lay in bed.

on to more optimistic things, i'm thinking of rounding up the gals for anor dinner & gossip session. and maybe i shd make a trip to cold storage at 9pm for that cheap durian offer. i think some sugar high could do me good.

i need to remind myself that i am happy. that despite not having a few luxury items that only money can buy, at least i do own some happiness that no amount of money can buy.