joy joy joy

Little J's first ultrasound scan when i was 9 weeks pregnant

have i ever mentioned how much i enjoy being pregnant? nevermind that the discomfort and the dismal at not being able to fit into all the nice clothes going on huge discounts, but i actually enjoy looking at my expanding belly and especially at night, just lying flat and watching the surface jiggle with every baby movement.

then the other night, it got me thinking how much i'm gonna miss this. i mean, being pregnant the second or third time is not going to be the same. this is the only time i can bond so closely with my first child. and frankly speaking, 9 months is going to fly by so quick. i'm already approaching the end of my 7th.

the other night, the girls and i went to Dempsey for some fancy dinner. it's been a long time since we've had such a good time eating at such a nice place. House serves really good fish n chips and salad. and i love the teasers.

so we had a good chat. been a long time since it's just been the three of us. i've always felt something good about this trio arrangement. it's been almost 10 years since we've rounded up and i think friends this long and this intimate are by far a rarity. and i'm glad God set us up for this.

we're planning a baby shower with just a few more close friends, perhaps some time next month when i'm close to the due. i'm thinking of getting joa to cook, or we'd order in some pizzas and play pictionary.

tonight i'll be making chocolate truffles so joa can take to his colleagues tomorrow on his last day. tomorrow night, we're gonna go for our belated V-day dinner and stay over at his place. hopefully i can get some lovemaking in action. *smiles*

insanity that drives one to foolish stunts

Pedophilia is something i can never understand. i can understand insanity and the want to kill someone you hate or even take your own life. but i can never understand how can an adult bring themselves to violate a child just to get an orgasm.

the teacher who got 10 months in jail for having sex with an underaged boy: i honestly pity her. i pity that she was desperate enough to resort to finding love and comfort in another child half her age. i pity her that there wasn't another adult who could help and guide her to seek proper help. i pity that it didn't even occur to her that locking herself up in her room and secretly watching porn and masturbating could actually be more pleasurable and understandable than having intercourse with a child who is still going through puberty. in the end, the verdict is this: she may not fully deserve it, but she did commit a heinous crime that deserves a lifetime of shame.

i don't think the public should feel pity for the 15-yr old boy or his parents to begin with. the boy got off the hook despite that he's tried to blackmail. his parents got all the encouraging words despite that they didn't take their own son in hand. in the end, the real victims really, are the two young children of the woman. now left motherless and completely losing their trust, respect and love for their own mother forever.

why take sex out on a young person? a person that's not fully developed in his mentality as well as libido. why cheapen sex and your own body in this way? isn't sex something sacred and utterly intimate that you share with your one and only? why cheapen all of that when you can actually find love (and eventually, sex) in a perfectly functioning full-grown adult more capable of providing you with the loving care and security you need? why look for it in a child and violate his innocence?

and what more, why do it to your own child? men who fornicate their own child should go straight to hell. i wonder what happens to pedophiles upon their release? do they continue to cheapen sex and live day to day without expecting civilities from people around them? how does one live like that?

the throes of working life

driving to work is like sheer luxury. even tho i have to put up with traffic congestion through amk ave 1, lornie rd, and later aye. but it still beats having to walk uphill under the hot sun and squeezing in the mrt and the looong bus ride.

yesterday we hit a new record, arriving home at 7pm, instead of the usual 8pm. i also get to sleep in half hour later. sheer bliss! but it's just for this week. until my bro's recess week is over and he gets to own the car again :(

waking up early for woke is simply crazy. each morning, we arise at 6am/ 630am, get ready for work and make our way. we get into the office at 830am and don't get off till after 6pm. by the time we get back, it's 8pm. our stomachs are growling and we're absolutely washed out from the day. we turn it at about 10pm.

for 3 weeks, this has been our routine. so we got talking about how there is simply zero balance in our current lifestyle. we dun exercise on weekdays and weekends we're just too poofed to do anything except to catch up on sleep, or to try to recover from some ailment. despite all these, we meet up with friends once a week, have sex only during the weekend, and still, we find ourselves making a lot of effort. how can we ever cope in the future with a growing child and the want to exercise and hang out with friends on a regular basis.

i find singapore needs a serious revamp on the work policies. official working hours should be 5 days and from 9am to 5pm. otherwise, don't preach about work-life balance. it's all just about work and none about living.

the good thing is that joa ends his work this friday. which means he'll be less grouchy but i'll have to make my own way to work with my expanding belly. my legs are horribly swollen and Dr Cheng said it's gonna be a permanent scarring since my case is unusually serious.

i cannot believe i have been here for three weeks now. it's been quite a breeze. but i feel awfully exhausted. i guess it's good that joa take a short break till his new job. at least i can get all the cuddles and snuggles that i need to recharge.

cute

so that was the little surprise joa had for me. i found it extremely endearing because he said the assembly of the items made up both of us - love, marriage and baby on the way :) he'd planned to take me out that evening for a nice dinner but i didn't want to squeeze with the crowd and so we followed my parents to the Club and took a looong stroll (act just 40 mins, but both our legs were aching like mad) and later had supper at east coast food place where my parents dragged us on another looong walk around the cable ski lagoon.

it was a hardly romantic day but i think we got the squeeze out of it - flowers, exchange of lovey-dovey words, (great) sex, time spent together, wonderful time spent talking about everything and nothing, and of course, i get to redeem my 'voucher' for a nice dinner treat next time.

i went for my 29th week check yesterday and everything looks fine. except the fact that Little J had cushioned his face against my placenta so we cd not see if he has any obvious facial flaws. during the consultation, Dr Cheng received an urgent call from the hospital about a patient in labour. she was about 29 weeks, as advanced as i was and it appalled me that my due date was really coming quite soon. then the nurse went on to brief me about the following check-ups where i'd be due to fill in my hospital admission, take various vaginal scan and observe Little J's heartbeat for a sign of his birthday.

on monday, joa bought a few milk bottles and steriliser, and just last week, i bought some sleepers for him. grace, a close friend bought us a pair of booties (in the pic), and last night we were chatting with my cousin about the kind of crib to buy. gosh, this is all coming so fast i sometimes feel scared out of my wits.

workwise. i've started to adapt slowly to the endless travel journey to and fro work and starting to like my colleagues. although the walking upslope from the bus stop still kills me every morning and cause my varicose veins to swell and pop, still i've decide to take heart in this and press on till the end of my contract. afterall, the people are nice and the pay is decent.

joa's decided to quit his job at idp and i'm pleased becos he seems much happier these days. we're also going to trust God for a new opportunity so this friday, on his last day of work, i'm gonna gather a few close friends to 'celebrate' his (currently still non-existent) new upcoming job.

about valentine's day

it's valentine's day tomorrow but i think we're staying home. i'm not saying this out of sour grapes but what exactly does valentine's day mean? it's a puzzle i've been trying to figure out ever since 14 feb started to mean something. to me, the best way to celebrate v-day is to use it as an excuse to inaugurally ask a special someone out or have a special someone ask you out.

as far as i can remember, v-day was ever only special once. it was in 1998 and a musician i had a crazy crush on had asked me to a concert. i was exhilarated beyond words. but what happened during the date was the real deal - i ended up spending it with joa. later we both realised it was each other's virgin valentine's day date. we didn't do anything special. but our soulmateship sparked from that day on. he was just a boy who seemed handsome enough and i, a cell group member who seemed nice enough.

but it was special. and after that, every other valentine's paled.

one valentine, i tried to make it special by heading out to the Gold Coast for seafood. The crayfish mornay was great but the walk on the beach sucked. the company was all wrong and i knew it there and then. and then i tried to reenact the scene from Lady and the Tramp, the scene where they had meatball linguini by the candlelight. for a while i had an idealism that spagetti was a v-day food, just like bak kwa is a chinese new year goodie.

for many years, v-day was a day i sulked all day and wished it'll just skip. then in beijing last year, we headed out on a freezing night. when we reached the restaurant, we found out we didn't really want to spend SGD160 on a meal. so we settled for jiaozi at the chinese diners next door. it cost only SGD7. there was nothing really special about the night. or the night in 1998. it was just a hell lot of walk. walk and talk. while the former in sg warmed me up with a wonderful conversation, the latter in beijing warmed me up with my hands held in his pocket through ever step. still both felt warmest in the heart. and if anything, v-day should feel like that.

so wat about this year? joa's not feeling well. we're both exhausted from our new jobs and the anticipation of the baby on the way. but i'm sure we'll find a way somehow. no surprises i think. i didn't even prepare a gift and his plans to take me to a restaurant i've always fancied has either been dashed or postponed. but i can take heart in that no matter what, i've already found my forever valentine. and i think that's the key to keeping my heart warm.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. May this day be the sweetest for you of all!

Wakin in Concert 2009

what a night. i'm sure many of you would have read about the press cover in the monday papers. i love Wakin. he's so dashing and manly. when i first saw a black and white pic of him on a cover of a HK magazine back in 1995, i remember how i saw this macho-ness in his eyes. at that moment, he was the epitome of the man i always wanted to marry. he sparked the taiwanese dream in me - even tho he isn't taiwanese (but HK), still he made me imagine all taiwanese men were like that. deep voiced, gentle giants. *swoon*

the concert was quite a sight. although this being the fourth one, was really starting to take the toll on me. not only hadn't he released any new album since the last concert in singapore back in 2006, but his evergreen songs are heard everywhere and so frequently that every different version now sounds just the same to me. still, this concert made a difference with its 'Rooftop' theme. Wakin talked casually about his childhood, his dreams dreamed on a rooftop, fatherhood, and his 22-year singing career. the accompanying music was akin to a full orchestra concert. he had his key players - the violinist, pianist, saxophonist, and the guest player - a harpist. that's the accent of his music that stands out from all others. jay chou never used anything more than a synthesiser while david tao relies on his rock band. wakin, takes the pain to invent the best quality of wholesome music. a full string band, piano, a real violin, harp, saxophone. if there was a solo harp, the piano would be its accompaniment. if he was playing his acoustic guitar, here comes the double bass. truly classic.

my cousin, jun, and i were seated on row 16. i could see she loved every min of it. and so did everyone around us. people sang along. they cheered and applaused. wakin was the star of the night and a grateful, appreciative one. i tot the $168 ticket was worth every penny. it was a beautiful concert, a wonderful night.

sick

ok. day 2. i'm still gagging.

i started to feel woozy on the mrt and then felt my stomach churn through the bus ride. nus is far, far away. and it doesnt make it any easier having to walk up 200m upslope after i alight at the bus stop.

seriously, the thought did cross my mind. maybe i shd just pack up and go. but no. the money will come in useful. so i ran to the ladies, thrice, overturn myself and force shit out. i don't want to go back to doing nothing all day. it's just for two months. i'll hold out.

oh, but my head. my stomach. i need to lie down.

not too great a first day

45 more minutes and already i can't quite wait to dash out of the door and make my (long) way home. this is not quite a great day. the office is now situated in an old function room that is doomed for demolitian next week, by then, we'd move to anor makeshift space up in the new building. but until then, it's drilling next door, and everywhere's just messy.

i'm too far away from home and the long mrt/bus route makes it worse. stepping out of the office, i feel like i'm back at school again. the canteen food sucks and everywhere's just students. it made me glad that i didn't study university here. it's certainly not like how it was like back at QUT.

my new colleagues are alright. almeta, my new head and karen, who sits opposite me are a cheerful and easy going - although i cdn't quite keep up with their conversation of fine dining places which are having set lunch promos at $45 per head.

i ran into a familiar face - Loo Si, an accounts executive who used to work at SGCC while i was there. she's been here for 7 months and when she walked by me with a curious expression on her face, i instantly knew who she was.

aside from all these, i got sick on the way to work. puked in the toilet, and later, one more time when i started on my first assignment. frankly, vetting fine dining menus are quite a chore. writing about circuit breakers seemed easier.

my corner is unlike what i had in beijing. no view, no nice sunshiny desk. frankly, this place feels more strange and foreign than china. i wonder how long i'm gonna get used to this. my only comfort - i'd only just have to hold this out for 2 mths and off i go.

new happenings

there's been some luck with our job hunt of late. i cd have mentioned that joa got anor job offer and unlike the last, he's taken this one up. it's been three days since he's started and he obviously likes it a lot. then again, he's been receiving calls for interviews at government companies and banks and it's really giving him a headache.

a surprise came for me too. i just got a call from NUSS with an offer for a Corporate Communications position for 2 months. altho it's contract term, but at least i'll be at a job working on tasks that requires more brain activity than sticking price tags on t-shirts and removing contents from postal envelops.

meanwhile, i have yet to inform my current boss. i hate to do this to him and i can so see mel yelling at me over the phone when i ring her to tell her the good/bad news. it's not that i dun love it here. i do. and NUSS is freaking farrrr! but at least i can keep my writing portfolio going while earning 3 times what i am earning now.

so what do i do now? i don't know. i need this job and i need the cash. but i hate having to travel everyday to NUSS and being so far away from joa (he's in orchard).

alive and dead

the matter of life and death has been resurfacing in my mind of late. taken on by new circumstances - the baby's movements within me: signs of a new life; and the passing on of a dear uncle: death. last night, one of my baby's violent kicks jarred me awake (one of his favourite past time now), and i started feeling how surreal just before-life and after-life feels. i wondered what was on my baby's mind now, and if he is a reincarnation of a previous person. i felt for this little one, a continuation of my life - this person who'll eventually outlive me to see a future world that i will never see after my death.

in a recent novel that i read, a young boy asked his uncle what was death like. the uncle replied asking the boy if he could remember what life was before he was born. and that was what death was. the blackout of the heart and mind. no memories, no senses, a feeling of total void.

when my uncle died, there was a morning where i'd strolled by the new condominium near my home which was still on construction. as i stood there watching the workers carry out their piling, i wondered if my uncle had always known he'd never get to see the completion of this condo. and then as i wandered through the streets of singapore, every traffic turn, street lamp, people - i saw with new eyes what he'd never see again.

as i laid in the dark last night, hearing joa snore away, i felt a jolt of anxiety grip me hard. what would happen to me when i'm dead and gone? where would all these thoughts of mine go to as i settle into dust? i wished for a real heaven or a reincarnation.

for a long time, i believed that i lived in a single dimension that existed solely. histories and the tales of the future was just something we were all made to believe in. the truth of the matter is, they didn't exist. and when i eventually pass on, i'll go back to the time of my first memory where my current family and friends surround me back in 1983 and relive this life all over again.

the thought of this was more comforting then an eventual demise into nothingness. i wondered what would the world be in 3000 AD. where would i go to? what would i have become? then again, those people who are dying around me: where were they now?

i want to protect everything i have atm. and as i turned to look at a sleeping joa and it occured to me just how wonderful everything seems at the moment. i realised we wouldn't be young and beautiful all our lives. soon, we'd be wrinkled, sick and old, and be reminising about the good ol' days of our present. we wdn't be where we are forever. more and more people will depart from us just as new ones will come along. life's uncertainty is as frightening as death itself.

forbidden luxuries

being a soon-to-be mummy is not exactly without compromising with myself. there's so many lovely things i cannot buy. nice clothes that i can't fit into, fancy bags that i have to remind that i don't need, cute jewelry that i have to resist to reserve funds. and these are not all. i have to think twice - no, thrice, four times even - when contemplating to buy anything. do i need it? is there a cheaper alternative? can i buy it later when i eventually start to earn my keep again.

there are many things that i want atm. for example, i want to buy a new bag, a pair of new flats, a pair of solitaire earrings and a new watch. but i know these can wait. there are even more important things that i need to reserve my money for. for starters, a crib, milk bottles, breast pump, diaper bag, and more maternity clothes since i'm about to outgrow my current ones.

it is both useful and despairing that joa is a natural miser. he buys the cheapest he can gets - quite the opposite from me. i believe in quality and paying more for better quality is only natural to me. currently, we're debating over the kind of diaper bag to buy. i want something sophisticated and functional. he wants it functional and inexpensive. i want to buy Tommie Tippee milk bottles but he thinks the normal Pigeon ones will do. and those are just a few i can recall for now.
there's so many i have made myself miss. for starters, the Nokia E71. i came across it barely 2 months after joa and i got ourselves a W990i (one of the least expensive we found), and i was so tempted to get it before joa started sulking and reminding me that the current one we had was our 'couple phone'. so there.

and then there was the pair of glasses that i so badly wanted to get from Paris Miki. but it costs $429 (frame+lens) and joa was livid that i was even considering it. he tot it didn't look pretty on me though i'm really quite sure of the opposite. anyway. i went back to my family's optician and settled for something quite similar but not so glam at half the price. though joa still thinks that was anor example of my strange taste, but that's anor story.

therefore, with the savings, i'm about to contemplate a My Sweet Honey Swatch. ok, i'm not too sure if this is the one that i spotted and love. but i remember it has a bronzy-orange look and is part of the Irony collection. i'll check it out again tomorrow when i go shopping. but anyway, i'm not sure if i need (another) watch, and if i'd be contented to buy it for myself. of cos it'll be much more meaningful if SOMEONE got it for me :) but oh well. just something i'm considering atm.

but i know. they all say, it'll all be worth it once u look into his angelic face... the little devil.