nightmares

i've been plagued with nightmares of late. bad dreams of betrayal, rejection and hatred. it takes away everything that i have now and is everything that will shatter me all over again.

i'm unsure of its origin. he's given me all the assurance that i need to get over it. yet trusting is almost impossible. i wake up in sweat, my heart racing and overwhelming in paranoia and fears. so i pray to God, a prayer that's long due. a prayer that He's been waiting for. yet they continue to haunt me. like the unfortunate twin that didn't survive, it haunts me.

mika, our new flatmate from poland, lent me a new novel she bought. South of the border, west of the sun by Haruki Murakami. it's a delightful read. emotionally intense and as i read it, i read the mind of a criminal - a selfish, heartless man whom i feel almost too familiar with.

"But i didn't understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair."

i didn't understand then and i don't understand now. how someone could, just by living, hurt and damage another person beyond repair. most of all, i don't understand and i wonder if i'm beyond repair and beyond recovery. that the nightmares will continue to plague, that the distrust will continue to linger, and hopes continue to fade.

i beseech God to take these fears away from my heart. they weigh like a ton in my chest. i choke on it, i suffocate with it. it's drives me to the end of the world where i wish i can just fall off the edge into nothingness, into numbness. till i cannot feel anymore. where there's no love and there's no pain.