taking special pride

Call me one of those neurotic mums obsessed with and believing that everyone out there has dubious intentions towards her own child because I've just turned into one of those.

I've been muddled with nightmares of weaning Cookie on the bottle and today, I've finally taken that bold step. It was a Medela teat that I'd just bought this afternoon, so I could afix it to the bottle and direct its entire, what-little contents. It wasn't one of those orthodontic, nature-mimicked ones. Just plan, ordinary, small-size teat. For a moment, Cookie seemed confused. Then he started suckling, too hard, at the alien thing. When he choked on the milk, I had to restrain from yanking it out of his mouth.

Mum was happily feeding him and telling me for the umpteenth time the benefits of having the milk pumped out. One of which - her favourite - was that we'd at least know if he was drinking enough. Obviously, Cookie had been overfed because it's been more than three hours since the last feed, an extension from his usual 2-hour routine.

I later spent the next two hours, trying to compensate that amount. Diligently pumping with the mechanical piece of plastic and fighting off resenting thoughts. I prayed and sought the balance. Despite swollen aerolas and bleeding nipples, I'm still 10ml short.

A simple, natural ritual such as bottle weaning my baby could turn me into such emotional wreck. I'm shocked at the transformation. When I look at him, I'd whisper about how his grandmother is gonna come between us. The crazy work of the hormones, not me.

I felt as if someone was tearing us apart. I felt I could not trust my own mother to take care of my child. But that's completely untrue. I've just gone a tad mad.

They say babies grow too fast. And in this instance, they start exploring life and the world forgetting you.

Hence the banner and the profile pic. I might as well indulge in this while I still can. When my baby is still a baby. Therefore, pardon me if i'm putting up too many pics of Cookie in fb and blogspot. I understand how irritating it feels because I was once irritated by new mothers who did that. But now that I am one, I finally understand why he's my pride and joy. And someday, when you are one too, you'll know.