happy days

The last two weeks have been productive. I've started my official journalist-writer kind of interviews - did five last week -, photoshoots, and story-writing and i feel good.

Many friends and family were really surprised when I told them I was going to interviews, or I just came back from one. Their first reaction was, "Why? You changing jobs again?"

No lah. So I thought about a better word to use but couldn't find any. So I explained that it was those kind of research interview and they went, "Why you must interview? I thought you were in corp comms/ corp mags?"

So it was that I happily volunteered for MCYS publication so I can help promote happy family lifestyle. Joa said that was perfect for me. But I think what's even better for me is the SDU mag! Because I do think that I'm Aunt Agony and Ms Love Vogue. Ha ha! Joke, joke!

Anyhow, on Sat, we went to Joa's colleague's place for steamboat. Getting together with the other army wives was just fantastic. Hearing them complain about their husband OT and stress at work was so marvellous. In fact we were just amused at how similar our grievances were! I'm lucky Joa works with people who married nice women as wives. In fact I wish we could meet up more often. But it'll be kinda over-zealous and odd to propose at our first meeting, wouldn't it?

The long weekend. Joa was off on Monday as well so we snuck out to catch Funny People at Lido. Crappy movie. Too crude, too boring, and too long. I was just waiting for the climax or some kind of a drama and then I felt so bored, and then pissed that it was taking so long. Everyone quickly shuffled out when the credits started to roll. Goes to show just how entertaining it was. I asked Joa how many 'popcorn' this garnered and he said four. Four out of 10 would be apt.

I was gonna reflect about some of the heartland stories I discovered in Hougang last week. Autism children and a couple who was battling with kidney failure. I really do think that I'm extremely fortunate to live in a lifetime where I can pursue a career that I feel passionate about and eat whatever I like and buy whatever I fancy. Whenever I pick up my little boy and see him smile, I remind myself that there are people just nearby who have problems that are too big for me. This guy, Thung Toh Khee, just donated his kidney to his wife. But more than that, I think he's an amazing, wonderful guy. Just hearing him speak was an enjoyable experience. People like him makes me feel that the world is such a great place to be in.

I'm just about to leave the office so I can go on an indian-hunt. Yeah, need to track down some young indian youths for yet another soundbite.

my twitter:

Errands this weekend:

1) cut hair
2) buy voice recorder
3) fix handphone

not enough time!!!

death-defying

I think I suffer from thanatophobia, in simple terms, it's the fear of death or anything related to it. ever since my uncle died and my baby was born, it dawned on me that a whole new generation has come and taken over.

Everyday, I'd imagine a car accident, and if my dad or Joa comes home late or I cannot find them, I'd think maybe they'd disappeared forever. I love looking at Little J when he's asleep but hate it when I start imagining him cold and still. I look at his chest very often. Just to make sure it's heaving up and down.

An ex-colleague once told me she used to imagine that her kids being kidnapped. Maybe my imagination that my child died is part of the maternal protective instinct. It's morbid, I know. It's something I haven't told anyone, not even Joa.

I was pondering about how we always look forward to the weekend, or to an event that's happening in one or two years time. But what we don't realise is that in between, all that time is wasted. And so, I resolved to treasure every second and every minute of the day. When I awoke this morning, feeling an overwhelming numbness from a lack of sleep, I reminded myself that lazing in bed just one more minute is just wasting another minute of my life. Life is short and it seems everything that I'm doing, exercising, eating, or simply mopping the floor, is just a big waste of time. Imagine having to work five days a week, spending your entire day at the office and missing the baby you'd left at home, only to die at the end of 50 years.

What's the point of it all? I was just thinking that next year, I'd be in my last twentieth year. I'll be thirty. And in a blink of an eye, I'd be forty, and fifty, and sixty, and then a senior citizen! You remember how as young teenagers we cdn't quite wait to grow up. And now that I have, I realised I'm growing old.

I wonder if the eventual "freedom" of death is simply pain in itself. Why can't I stay 28 forever? Why can't my parents and I live like that forever? Why can't my baby be small forever?

Second week

Seven days actually, after deducting the long weekend.

Not much luck with the colleagues yet. But at least I'm more comfortable in my skin, and getting to know one or two of them slowly.

I went home yesterday and saw Mum putting Little J to sleep. His lids were almost shut, and then he heard my voice and immediately turned towards me and gave me the most heart-melting smile. When I walked away to drop my things, he started to whimper. I knew he'd just foiled yet another exercise session. And so, we spent the rest of the evening together, until he fell asleep at nine.

It's the end of September. And it feels like the end of the year. Often it feels life just accelerates after you hit 26. All of a sudden, your parents and relatives are ageing, and you see little children taking their place in the world. One day I'm going to say this same thing, myself having passed more than half of my lifetime. At night when I lay in bed, I look at Joa and wonder how short a lifetime is. You know how when you're thinking you're gonna be sharing a bed with a person forever and at first, it feels like a long time. But I know someday, I'd find myself, alone in my bed. Memories of him snoring next to me fading away. A lifetime is just too short. I guess this is why we have to always cherish one another, becos departure is just ahead.

I think I've separation anxiety of some sort. I always have problems trying to detach from a person or item. It can be anyone. A relative, a crush, a friend, a pet, or a non-living non-breathing thing.

Weekend. Can't wait to spend some real quality time.

Optimistic

This is it. I’m sitting here at my new desk at the second floor of my new workplace. It’s a big office, with a lounge area that has a massage chair, an open pantry kitchen. We’re clustered among the other magazines. There isn’t one desk around me that’s neat. Every one has a mountain of magazines and documents. And this makes me smile, because for once, I know I’m in the right job.

It’s day four today. No one’s in the office yet so I’m just enjoying some solitude moments to myself. I thought I should post in my blog, and tell everyone that although I haven’t met a chum whom I can get on like 'a house on fire’, I know (quietly wish) that She is somewhere around. And now I can’t help but miss Mandy. The intern girl at Highteam who always make me laugh. I wonder how is she doing. Sometimes, I get this urge to ‘rescue’ her out of China. She’s not impoverished or anything. In fact, she’s a really bright and hardworking girl. But I always think, while looking at the PRCs in Singapore, that more than any of them, she should be here.

Leaving in the mornings hasn’t been so bad yet. I get to talk to Little J while getting ready for work. I keep telling him how much I love him and smother him with wet kisses all over. Then I start missing him around late morning onwards and look longingly at the photos of him that I’d put up on the wall.

For now, I’ve been helping out with stories for various publications. A story today, several snippets tomorrow. It’s a wonderful feeling to lose yourself among the scrawly texts. Time passes quite quickly and then it’s time to head home to my family. It’s a really fulfilling time.

Tomorrow the office will be shut till next Wednesday. I can’t wait to spend more time with Little J, breastfeed more, and catch up on my sleep.

updates

there's either something wrong with blogspot or joa's laptop becos for weeks, i haven't been able to post any pics.

whatever it is. i start work monday. just gone by to sign my appointment letter and now, i'm feeling an immense feeling of importance. part of the remuneration includes two free magazines. i chose 8-days and Style after realising there's not many to choose from. beats having nothing :)

it's also mandatory that we take two days' no-pay leave per month. just as well. lesser pay for me but more than with Little J.

tonight the gals and i are hanging out. been a long time since we had a girls' evening. we're celebrating my new career and i'm excited ;)

i also spent a fortune on work clothes. 2 pairs of work pants, 3 basic tops, a cardigan and a pair of pretty pumps. i'm still thinking of getting a nice mug and stationery. it's stupid i know. i sd just use whatever's given.

somehow i'm scared. scared of myself. becos everyone's been warning me about the culture, the politics, and the stress that i'm starting to wonder how long i'd really hold out. it'll be painful if i had to leave. i want this to be my big break.

back on the hunt again, now back on track.

I found a job. Or rather, God found me a job.

For a long time I've felt lousy about having to give up my dream of becoming a Journalist and leaving no choice but to pursue Corp Comms as an alternative. I started to aim for Corp Comms in MNCs but it was never enough.

This job comes as a major breakthrough. A miracle from God to take my first step towards my career in the newsroom and publishing house. I always knew He would bless me with something beyond my imagination. Something I could be proud of.

My career has taken for a turn. Once it was bleak but now full of hope. I've always lived with one of Dr Bernard's revelation: Sometimes life takes a wrong turn but God will always bring you back on track. Now I'm back. Just like everything else that happened in my life. Things took a wrong turn. But it eventually went back in line. I always knew only in the blackest of days can only God's light shine.

I'm on my way. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. It feels better than striking lottery.

Thank you, God.