Second week

Seven days actually, after deducting the long weekend.

Not much luck with the colleagues yet. But at least I'm more comfortable in my skin, and getting to know one or two of them slowly.

I went home yesterday and saw Mum putting Little J to sleep. His lids were almost shut, and then he heard my voice and immediately turned towards me and gave me the most heart-melting smile. When I walked away to drop my things, he started to whimper. I knew he'd just foiled yet another exercise session. And so, we spent the rest of the evening together, until he fell asleep at nine.

It's the end of September. And it feels like the end of the year. Often it feels life just accelerates after you hit 26. All of a sudden, your parents and relatives are ageing, and you see little children taking their place in the world. One day I'm going to say this same thing, myself having passed more than half of my lifetime. At night when I lay in bed, I look at Joa and wonder how short a lifetime is. You know how when you're thinking you're gonna be sharing a bed with a person forever and at first, it feels like a long time. But I know someday, I'd find myself, alone in my bed. Memories of him snoring next to me fading away. A lifetime is just too short. I guess this is why we have to always cherish one another, becos departure is just ahead.

I think I've separation anxiety of some sort. I always have problems trying to detach from a person or item. It can be anyone. A relative, a crush, a friend, a pet, or a non-living non-breathing thing.

Weekend. Can't wait to spend some real quality time.

Optimistic

This is it. I’m sitting here at my new desk at the second floor of my new workplace. It’s a big office, with a lounge area that has a massage chair, an open pantry kitchen. We’re clustered among the other magazines. There isn’t one desk around me that’s neat. Every one has a mountain of magazines and documents. And this makes me smile, because for once, I know I’m in the right job.

It’s day four today. No one’s in the office yet so I’m just enjoying some solitude moments to myself. I thought I should post in my blog, and tell everyone that although I haven’t met a chum whom I can get on like 'a house on fire’, I know (quietly wish) that She is somewhere around. And now I can’t help but miss Mandy. The intern girl at Highteam who always make me laugh. I wonder how is she doing. Sometimes, I get this urge to ‘rescue’ her out of China. She’s not impoverished or anything. In fact, she’s a really bright and hardworking girl. But I always think, while looking at the PRCs in Singapore, that more than any of them, she should be here.

Leaving in the mornings hasn’t been so bad yet. I get to talk to Little J while getting ready for work. I keep telling him how much I love him and smother him with wet kisses all over. Then I start missing him around late morning onwards and look longingly at the photos of him that I’d put up on the wall.

For now, I’ve been helping out with stories for various publications. A story today, several snippets tomorrow. It’s a wonderful feeling to lose yourself among the scrawly texts. Time passes quite quickly and then it’s time to head home to my family. It’s a really fulfilling time.

Tomorrow the office will be shut till next Wednesday. I can’t wait to spend more time with Little J, breastfeed more, and catch up on my sleep.

updates

there's either something wrong with blogspot or joa's laptop becos for weeks, i haven't been able to post any pics.

whatever it is. i start work monday. just gone by to sign my appointment letter and now, i'm feeling an immense feeling of importance. part of the remuneration includes two free magazines. i chose 8-days and Style after realising there's not many to choose from. beats having nothing :)

it's also mandatory that we take two days' no-pay leave per month. just as well. lesser pay for me but more than with Little J.

tonight the gals and i are hanging out. been a long time since we had a girls' evening. we're celebrating my new career and i'm excited ;)

i also spent a fortune on work clothes. 2 pairs of work pants, 3 basic tops, a cardigan and a pair of pretty pumps. i'm still thinking of getting a nice mug and stationery. it's stupid i know. i sd just use whatever's given.

somehow i'm scared. scared of myself. becos everyone's been warning me about the culture, the politics, and the stress that i'm starting to wonder how long i'd really hold out. it'll be painful if i had to leave. i want this to be my big break.

back on the hunt again, now back on track.

I found a job. Or rather, God found me a job.

For a long time I've felt lousy about having to give up my dream of becoming a Journalist and leaving no choice but to pursue Corp Comms as an alternative. I started to aim for Corp Comms in MNCs but it was never enough.

This job comes as a major breakthrough. A miracle from God to take my first step towards my career in the newsroom and publishing house. I always knew He would bless me with something beyond my imagination. Something I could be proud of.

My career has taken for a turn. Once it was bleak but now full of hope. I've always lived with one of Dr Bernard's revelation: Sometimes life takes a wrong turn but God will always bring you back on track. Now I'm back. Just like everything else that happened in my life. Things took a wrong turn. But it eventually went back in line. I always knew only in the blackest of days can only God's light shine.

I'm on my way. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. It feels better than striking lottery.

Thank you, God.

in the swing of things

I'm trying to get him to nap so I can surf the net a little before getting ready to head out. Today's my self-proclaimed day out. I get the afternoon off and can finally head to the mall to get Joa a nice picture frame for his new office desk.

These days I'm starting to enjoy staying home with the little one. Initially I had dreaded it, not sure if I'd ever be able to single-handedly pacify him. But I did. But it's not always smooth-sailing. Especially in the mornings when he wakes up at 7am and my body is still numb from a desperate need to sleep. Motherhood is not easy. Though I must say I am relishing every minute of it now so at least when he's all grown up and defiant, and adore other women above me, I can at least know that I once had him all to myself.

Tonight we're having dinner at a new restaurant opened by Joa's best man. It's just down the road from where we live and serving Italian. There are no Italian chefs, in fact, it's all gonna be cooked by him and a relative he hired. I must say we are a bit apprehensive. But we still want to show our patronage.

I've finally got a call for another interview tomorrow. There hasn't been any updates from the last few that I went to. I guess the competition is keen and I can't really have high expectations. Still I believe there'd be something. Just need to wait. And while I'm waiting, I can at least 'smell the roses' of a stay-home mum and enjoy every minute of having him close by.

homelady

Joa's finally had to report to work so now i'm back to being alone. although having the baby around makes up for some entertainment but that also means i can't catch up on sleep in the mornings and lesser time for me to do whatever i like.

now that he's Captain, he's so busy. morning runs every mon, wed and fri. leaves before the dawn and returns only after way past dusk. there's now no time for lazy meals together, weekday afternoon movies and shopping trips. with him gone, the day now feels longer and the evenings shorter. worse, he's even have to go for some company run on sunday without a leave-in-lieu for compensation. what kind of welfare is that?!

visited the GP today becos of a blocked milk duct and aside from some massaging techniques and advice, there was nothing she cd prescribe me to remove the blockage. she suggested that i join some breastfeeding support group to gather more information about how to deal with the lump and decreasing milk supply.

no bubble tea today so i had ice-cream to make up for it. not too happy.

mascara too much

okay, i admit. i've been overdoing the mascara bit. how i got the wake-up call: last night, a swollen wee flap of skin on my left eyelid plagued me all night. and what's worse is that it had to be this weekend. i'm upset becos this is the weekend i've been looking forward to - Grace's wedding tonight (i get to finally don on my new poppy dress), and Little J's baby dedication service tomorrow!

i think it happened becos last sat, in the hype of my excitement about the new turqoise-coloured mascara, i'd put it on to swim. and while i was shampooing my hair, the mascara faded across my eye area. to finish the story, the stain remained till several days later.

so i've been washing the affected eye with optrex every two hours and applying aloe vera on the bump. hopefully it gets better soon. otherwise, i can't imagine what i'll look like with a swollen eye doned over with a dress of blooming red and pink flowers. just blooming frenzy!

that aside, i can't wait to see Grace! i can't imagine she's got married. my memory of her seem to have halted since the night she left for the UK in that horrid checked shirt, jeans and sneakers. all of us teared after she crossed the gates. it was the first time we'd ever had to see a friend off.

13 years later this evening, i'll be attending her wedding. she in her most gorgeous ever! you see, this is the nostalgic past that joa's never known of me, which explains why i simply had to buy that new dress for the occasion! gosh, men.